Mum why do you look so sad?

“Mum, why do you look so sad?”

This was the question my 10 year old daughter asked me yesterday while we were sat on the sofa sharing a minute of calm in what is normally a pretty hectic mad house.

“Do I? Ah I’m just tired sweetie,” was my mumbled reply. It was a lie. I have depression and was having a really foggy day that day. She looked at me with a sort of puzzled yet knowing look that made me think she didn’t believe a word I was saying. I couldn’t take her gaze any longer so I jumped up quickly asking who wanted a biscuit.

Once in the safety the kitchen I grabbed the biscuit barrel down from the shelf, and it took all my strength not to blubber over the custard creams. Just breath I told myself, don’t cry don’t let the kids see you cry.

You see I thought I had been doing a pretty good job at keeping my depression from the kids. I have been holding things together and taking my tablets like the doctor said. I was getting through each day and gradually starting to feel better.

But my 10 year old daughter saw right through me. I was exposed. She could see a deep sadness etched in my face. Despite my makeup. Despite the home cooked dinner awaiting her after school. Despite the bedtime stories and snuggles we shared that day. She could see me.

It’s a strange thing really when I think about it. No matter how hard I try to paint over the cracks they are there. And people that know me well must be able to see them despite my best effort to hide it all behind my blusher. 

Even my 10 year old daughter sees it.

My depression is part of me, it doesn’t ever go away even when I am having a good phase. It’s always there. It’s etched in my every wrinkle and smile. And she didn’t know what is was, but she saw it.

So I have decided that tonight when she gets home from school we are going to share a slice of cake and I am going to talk to her. I will follow her lead and answer any questions she may have to ask me no matter how awkward I may feel about it. Because I know- that she knows I am hiding myself from her.

And I don’t ever want her to feel that whatever she is going through or however she is feeling is something that should be hidden away from others. My daughter has Dyslexia and this can really affect her self-esteem. So I don’t ever want her to feel that people won’t accept her for being honest with them. Our mental health and hidden challenges should never become something that can be brushed over with makeup like it doesn’t exist.

I am not ashamed of my depression. How can I be? It’s part of what makes me who I am. And in lots of ways it’s really helped me. Because there is real magic in speaking to someone who just gets it. Just understands how you feel and doesn’t need anything in return other than your understanding. It connects people, and it’s very powerful when you can make a difference someone else by sharing your own story. It doesn’t mean we are weak when we say things are tough sometimes, it just means we are human.

She needs to know that in darkness there is always light and true strength of character is shown when we accept and embrace the differences we all have.  She needs to hear the positive things about my depression. She needs to hear I am proud to be me, and maybe then she will be less anxious if she knows that I may look sad sometimes, but I am OK!

Sometimes in life as adults we feel bad when we don’t have all the answers and we want to magically make everything better for our kids, pretend like it is all hunky dory. But I don’t want any of my children to grow up ever feeling ashamed of who they are. I want her to be proud of herself, and proud to overcome any challenges that life throws her way. And I can’t do that by pretending it’s not happening to me in the here and now.

Her innocence yesterday made me realise that I need to be more open with my kids, In order for them to learn to love themselves I have to love me. They need to see that love means opening ourselves up to other people, not hiding how we feel from our loved ones, and being accepted for who you are unconditionally.

My depression will ease- it always does. And it may ravage me again at some point I am certain. But the difference is that next time when my children ask me why I look sad I will be honest with them. I am not ashamed of who I am, and I am going to try my hardest to help my daughter love herself for who she is and never ever to be ashamed of what makes her- well her- whatever that may be.

(This post can can be found on The Mighty)

Please excuse my appearance I'm still shaking off Christmas

Hi folks

Wanted to pop in and well- say hi really. It's been a crazy few weeks for us all hasn't it, well done for embracing the bonkers that is Christmas in an Autism house /school. And I hope you all managed to get some chill time too. And if it was all just a blur now the kids are all back at school hopefully you can start to recharge a bit- sorry teachers don't mean to rub it in.

It feels a bit weird this 'cos I don't feel like I have done a 'normal' blog post for ages. What with all the Christmas blogs I did, and the deadlines for other publications I have had to get done I've almost gotten out of the habit of writing with no brief to work to, writing just for me and you- so bear with (nod to fellow Miranda fans there) I'll soon get back into the swing of things.

I have to admit the first week in Jan has been a killer in our blumin' household I can tell you. I had this lovely vision of 2016 starting with a bang and being all positivity and renewed energy. Serves me right for wishful thinking doesn't it- I know I know I never learn, things never go to plan!

My girls have been really ill with a virus, so the doc says just suck it up and they'll fight if off themselves. We've had raging temps, hallucinations and emergency 3 am trips to the out of hours half way across town. I've had insomnia for weeks now (it's currently 2.45 in the morning) which is frustrating to say the least, and my hubby has now resorted to sleeping on the sofa downstairs 'cos I've picked up this bug from the girls and he's sick of  being kept awake by my coughing.

I've got a Mount Everest pile of washing to somehow plod through, and my housework- well let's not even go there with that one. To top it off my hair is so grey I could get a bus a bus pass, and my legs can't make an appearance this side of spring for fear of someone reporting a Yeti roaming the streets of Cheshire.

I literally look and feel like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Well actually I almost was- as getting the fattest Christmas tree in the world out of the front door was like dragging myself through a blumin' hedge the other day. Stupidly I attempted this when my hubby was at work. You know like we do us women- we get sick of waiting so we just think "ah it easier to just do it myself!"(I have the spike marks to prove my stupidity.) Oh it was fine getting the fattest tree on the world into the house 'cos it was all nicely wrapped up wasn't it! But when we snipped away the protective layer holding the tree together well it just plopped down its huge belly with a flop and took up half my lounge.

So when the day arrived that I decided I wanted rid - well it looked like a pine needle massacre had taken place in my house as I dragged this tree kicking and screaming across my lounge, the water spilled out everywhere and little man was guiding me around the obstacles in panic as he watched me wrestling the giant Christmas tree half way up the stairs to get it to the right angle to then shove it out the front door with a loud pop as the pressure of the tree stuck in the doorway released and I fell out in a heap on top of it.

                                      (They never seem quite as big out in the field do they?)

Well the spiky little green needles of pain were in every crack and crevice of the house, they were everywhere- and I mean everywhere! I am still finding tiny green devil needles poking out of my bra even today. Waiting for me silently in disguise for days and days and then all of a sudden they strike with no warning. Like when I'm sat in the doctors surgery surrounded by a room of people who don't want to make eye contact. So as discreetly as I could I reached down into my general boob area and had a fumble around. Gotcha you little *bleep*  I blurted out uncontrollably. Only to then look up and see the look of horror in the poor little old lady's face sat opposite me as she wondered what the heck I was doing.

And then this week with immaculate timing as ever little man has sensed my vulnerability, and he has got an idea in his head about a game he wants. And my goodness we all know how persistent our kiddos can be don't we- well we're currently on day 7 of mithering now with numerous meltdowns to boot. Plus it's been raining all week so we have been stuck in the house like a bunch of grumpy snotty gremlins driving each other round the twist every night.

So a great start to 2016 eh ! No matter how many 'blumin feel good blogs I do about New Year the reality never works out as planned does it ha ha!

...I don't bloody believe this as I just looked across my bed as I live and breath, what's lay there? There at the end of my bed taunting me.- a pine needle!
Look...

No matter how hard I try I can't quite shake off Christmas yet. The pine needles and coughs are actually a good reminder to me that it took monumental effort to get us all through the season and it's gonna take a bit longer than the first week of January for me to get back to any kind of normality and fighting fit, never mind positivity and renewed energy!

And trust me I will get all those darn needles- one day soon, just you wait and see. I'll find every last one of you!

But for now my quest needs to be sleep. So it's time for me to switch off and try and get some shut eye now - and if nothing else hopefully I have made you think maybe your week wasn't so bad after all. 'Cos at least you're not being stalked by killer pine needles every hour of the day- I'm off to bed now and I may just sleep with the light on tonight!

                                                                         Mrs M x

Just another New Years Blog

Just...

Such an insignificant little word. One that we never really think about because we just take it for granted. It’s just there in our word bank to pull out whenever we just happen to feel like it. But we don’t even realise we need it so much.

I am just a mum. A busy mum to three wonderful kids. I am just a housewife and a full time carer to my 11 year old son who has Autism. I am just trying my best to get through each day.

But I just reckon it’s such an undervalued word that really doesn’t know its worth. I know this to be true as it’s a word I use all day as I go about my jobs, without even giving it a second thought.

“I’ll just pop the kettle on” I shout upstairs as I am trying to rouse the sleepy heads from their beds every morning. “I’ve just got time to pile a quick wash load in before I do the school run” I think to myself whilst shoving the mountain of the laundry fiercely into our battered old machine “I had just about enough sleep last night to get me through the day” I tell myself as I am scraping my hair into ponytail whilst dashing out of the door clutching the car keys, school bags and trumpet just about still under my arms.

“We should just  make it on time if we hit no traffic” I tell my daughter as she scoffs her cereal bar in her mouth whilst fiddling with the radio stations to find her favourite song on the way to school. And then my day really begins as I just have to dash to the shops, hoover the house, walk the dogs, order the meds, clean the bathroom, make the beds, email school, phone’s Camhs and write a social story for swimming after school. And I then I might just about have time to eat, gulp some cold coffee whilst opening the mail, if I’m lucky.

Before I then wash the pots, polish the table, empty the bins, fill out the DLA forms, iron the shirts and all this whilst trying to catch my sons therapist in her office at some point on the phone today- I’ll just have to keep trying on redial ‘til I catch her.

Then its just about time to head off to do the school pick up and hope there’s no delay so I can get back for my son arriving home in his taxi, who will be ready to just run through the door and have his snack there waiting for him as he does everyday.

And so this just continues day after day after day after day. I just plod on.

You see really I am just like the word just. I am always there. Always holding things together. I just get on with things despite how tired I am or how much I have to do.

But I am not ashamed to say I am more than just a mum. A Mum who’s always there to love and nurture, yes that’s a huge part of what makes me – well me. But I am so much more.

I am Michelle. I am not just a tired thirty something mum with grey hair wearing comfy knickers. I am funny and loyal, and by the way I make a mean chicken curry!  I have depression and yet maintain a deep faith in life and love. I hold my friends and family so dearly that I would do anything to protect them from harm. I enjoy baking and reading and history- and so much more! (I secretly wish I lived in the 40’s and drank from a china tea cup, whilst wearing floral kitten heels and a spotty head scarf too if truth be told.)

However I think I may have fallen into the trap of having so many just moments throughout the day that I take myself for granted now too. I need to reclaim my fabulous justness back!

So as we face this New Year I will try to have just one selfish moment all to myself each day- just for me and no one else!

I will just have half an hour reading a magazine. Or I will just try and drink my coffee hot today. Or “I am just going upstairs for a bubble bath children, the TV is on in the lounge.” Or even better still- we need a few hours together could you just sit for a bit for us darling sister of mine?

This New Year is the time to just say enough is enough, I am more than just a mum, I am more than just a middle aged woman wearing slippers and drinking tea from a chipped Whispa mug from Easter 2002.  And in order to be all those things for everyone else I first need to just to look after me every now and again, even if it’s just for 10 minutes every day. It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less, it just means I love me too.

So let’s stop neglecting that insignificant little word and just care for it- let’s care for ourselves and realise that we are so much more than just our jobs, whatever that may be.  I am gonna start by pulling out my nan's old fine bone china tea set, putting on a bit of lippy and some killer heels  ( well I can sit in them at least ) and just for 10 minutes each morning watch a bit of Philip Schofield on the tele sipping my tea in style!

Now who’s with me- one lump or two?

                                                                    Mrs M x

https://www.familyfund.org.uk/blog/just-another-new-years-blog

Why I write

My children are my world
My love for them is endless

They make me so proud
And inspire me everyday 

But the world we live in can be so cruel
And some people just don't understand 

So I wrote about

Our ups and downs

Our laughter, our worries, and our joy

In the hope that it will touch others

Others like us

So they know they’re not alone in this

Because it can be so confusing

And maybe, just maybe

Someone who may have judged us before may stop and think to themselves

Ahh now I understand

That we are just a normal family doing our best to muddle through

That I am just a mum doing my best for my kids

And that my son lives in a world that can be so unforgiving and harsh

So I share our story

In the hope that people will view the world through our eyes

And feel the unconditional love form a mother to her son with each word I write

And if it touches even one person in this world

Then to me, it’s all been worthwhile.

My New Years letter to you......Yes you sat reading this

To my lovely friends and family,

So here we are folks. The last day of 2015. It's a time when we are meant to reflect on the last 12 months of our lives and look forward to whatever the future has in store for us.

I have to say that I am honestly pretty relieved to see the back of this last year. There have been many moments of absolute despair and I have  felt so alone and confused at times. But on the flip side to this I then I found you lovely lot out there in the world of social media.

I had plucked up the courage to share my story and I realised I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t alone in feeling overwhelmed and isolated. I discovered that up and down the country there were so many mums just like me who muddled through each day, and collapsed into bed relieved to have simply got through the day in one piece.

And for that reason alone I can't tell you how happy I am that I started writing. I have made some wonderful new friends and I have been truly humbled each time one of you lets me into your lives and shares your own story with me.

So 2015 has been a year of ups and downs alright- I had a depressive episode and shared it warts and all with you! My little man started his new school and I shared our first day anxiety with you all, and you were there with us every step of the way. Then there was our crazy family holiday in which I lost the plot and had my own mummy meltdown, but again you were there for me to keep me going.

There have been many highlights this last year too- being published in magazines and newspapers, Yahoo picking up my work and then my blog going viral. And starting to write a book to name but a few. But over and above all of that- what’s been the highlight for me is when someone who reads my stuff takes the time to contact me to say what I have written has helped them, or made them cry. Or my words have them realise why they have felt so out of sync with the world their whole life... well that just floors me. 

I can't get my head around that and it honestly makes everything I do, all the hours I spend, 100% worthwhile.

Your support and friendship means more to me than you will ever know. And that is why I will continue to share our story in 2016.

I have discovered these last few months what a politically hot world the Autism community is. And I have found myself staying away from the politics of it all as my feeling is that it reflects our attention away from what’s really important- us,our kids, our families and a need for true openness and acceptance. I can’t be afraid of what I write because people can see straight through the bull. And it's just not my style. 

So if you want politics I’m just not the writer for you.

I will continue to write about my love for my son, our journey with Autism and how I get through the day. Sometimes its pretty and sometimes it's not. I can't and won't shy away from that as I need to be honest. Life is tough sometimes and mums should never feel ashamed for saying that. It doesn’t mean we love our kids any less or want to change them.

Parenthood is one of the hardest things we ever face, period. 

Its not wrong to say we need help on occasions.It's not wrong to share our joy, our ups and downs and our moments of despair because we are human.

I have always written straight from my heart and always with my sons privacy at the forefront of my mind. I try not to offend anyone and so far I seem to have avoided any controversy. But if I worried too much about what I write I honestly think it it would change the way I share my story, and I don’t want that, as I have finally found my voice.

And I hope that by sharing my own story it helps people see the world from a different perspective. And helps other families like mine muddle through the system knowing that they are not alone in what can be a very hostile and confusing world for both us and our kids.

So really I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you.

Thank you for being there, and reading my ramblings. Thank you reaching out to me and for sharing your stories. Thank you for following my page and sharing my stuff. I wish I could thank you all personally but this will have to do for now.

You will never know how grateful I am to you all my lovely friends and family.

So here’s to a happy healthy and slightly bonkers 2016 as I continue to share my story warts and all and I hope you will continue to stick around for the ride....

Mrs M xx

4 days to go ....

      Adult time....

• It's near enough impossible to get adult company at the best of times when you have kids, and at this time of year the pressure is really on us to be sociable. But often we’re just too shattered to join in.
• So don’t feel guilty about this, you have a hectic demanding home life, and even more so at this time of year keeping your child calm and happy.
• So if you can get a sitter and you want to go out.. then great, but if you just can't face it don’t be pressured by anyone. You and your family are the most important thing.
• If you wanna stay tucked up indoors in your PJ'S watching TV then remember that’s fine-there's some fab Christmas movies on this year anyway.
• People can always come to you, and this can make life easier sometimes, but again if you're too exhausted don’t worry people who know you and love you will understand you situation.
• And don’t stress about how clean your house is, that not your priority…people who enter your home need to accept that it's a loving home, and cleaning isn't top priority -the cleaning can wait until the kids are back at school!

 support networks...

Samaritans at Christmas

National Autistic Society Christmas

Slice of Autism Facebook Page

Young Minds

Rethink

GETTING THROUGH THE BIG DAY....

• Do what works for your family, no one else's.
• Take it at your child's pace and dont feel pressure from others.
• Spread opening up the presents throughout the day if that helps.
• Let your kids watch what they want on the TV, that’s what pause and record was invented for husband ;-)
• Cheat and take shortcuts, I certainly will be where needed (there's nothing wrong with that.)
• Have realistic expectations of the day and dont beat yourself up if things go a little off plan.
• Be prepared in advance as far as possible, but remember even best laid plans can go pear shaped sometimes.
• Meltdowns aren’t always avoidable despite all the preparation in the world (that goes for us too ha ha- I have been known to have the occasional 'mummy meltdown.' )
• When all is done and the kids are asleep, pour yourself a nice glass of your favourite tipple, collapse on the sofa
•   You did it ....Well done x 

Watch another FAMILY'S

 story here...

Autism and keeping Christmas fun- (Part 1)

                                          

                                           Christmas- school presents and shopping -(Part 2)

                                                 Friends , family, and growing up -( Part 3)

                                                        The National Autistic Society

A Slice Of Autism Christmas Survival Guide...

December can be a tricky time for many children on the Spectrum.
So I have created a 'Survival Guide' to the Festive season looking at all aspects of family life including;

• Food and family meals
• School
• Parties and pantomimes etc
• Looking after yourself
• Routine / Social Stories
• Sensory issues
• And the big days itself ......to name but a few

There will be helpful links,videos, helplines,visuals and little pick me ups along the way so we can get through the madness that is December together!

I will share a page each day on my Facebook page during Advent...
http;//www.facebook.com/sliceofautism/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

And the full Calendar can be seen on my website now at...
http://asliceofautism.blogspot.co.uk/  

Or why not subscribe to my blogs via the link on my blog to have the handy tips delivered straight to your inbox each day, so you dont miss out?

I hope it will be useful for you!

Mrs M x

How we can help alleviate the build up of stress at School for children with Autism

Many children on the spectrum can have huge anxieties about school, and if we think about it it’s no wonder really; the hustle and bustle of the playground, the unwritten rules and complex friendship groups, and the language and sensory demands that bombard our kid’s fragile nervous systems is bound to take its toll. And that’s before we even think about our kids sitting still in a chair and actually ‘learning’ anything formally.

 I worked for many years within the Primary Education sector with Autistic children, so I have a good understanding of what daily life for many kids on the spectrum can be like. I also have an 11 year old son who went through Primary school as a very anxious child with High Functioning Autism and sensory issues. He would often cope at school and reflect all his anxiety inwards, only to explode once at home. Until finally during Year 6 it all just became too much and his mental health 

deteriorated due to prolonged anxiety. He now attends a specialist school in Year 7.

So I kind of feel like I am positioned well to see things from the perspective of both school and home when it comes to school related stress and anxiety.  Some parents can feel that their concerns aren’t really taken seriously, and that they can come across as paranoid, overprotective parents as they often see a different child that the one that school sees. And that can cause conflict and tension between home and school which is helpful for no one (especially the child in the middle of it all). And with the new SEN Code of Practice it’s even more important than ever that schools works collaboratively with parents as that will lead to the best outcome for children.

However  I completely understand that it can be really confusing when presented at school with a child that seems to have multiple sides.  A child that seems fine at school and yet mum reports that as soon as they get home their child goes into meltdown; crying about their school day, struggling with their homework and lashing out at their siblings. But hard as this can be to get our heads around....this is real thing as many kids have the ability to hold it together until in their safe place.... which is nearly always at home.

So if you find yourself in this position as a parent or a teacher what can we do to help?

                                                

Open communication and trust

I know this sounds obvious really, but relationships can break down so easily, and this is completely avoidable. Parents are usually exhausted after years of little sleep and incredible stress, and often have been left feeling that no one believes them.  So when meeting to discuss issues about their child remember that it’s taken a lot for these parents to ask to meet you.

And parents remember that teachers often won’t have had specific training on Autism. So share information, share good practice, be open and honest with each other about what you know, and admit if it’s something you feel out of your depth with. I know as a mum I know my child best and my views will be vital in helping school deal with any issues my child may be having, as can teacher’s knowledge of the curriculum and school policies be vital in working together to support each child.

Look for subtle signs

Many children on the spectrum don’t like drawing attention to themselves as this means they will have to have a social interaction of some kind, which can make them really uncomfortable. So instead they sit quietly and can appear to be coping. It means that we are going to have to look for the subtle signs. Parents will be really useful helping school with this as they know their child’s signs. 

Things to look out for may include-

 Rocking back and forward on a chair

·         Chewing sleeves/ fingers/ hair

·         Difficulty concentrating

·         Wanting lots of toilet breaks/ wandering/ avoiding the task

·         Disruptive behaviour

·         Low self esteem

·         Avoidance

·         Never volunteering to answer questions

·         Lack of appetite at lunchtime

·         Following the crowd

·         Humming/ vocal noises/ throat clearing

·         Finger picking/ scratching

·         Over compliant/ very quiet

·         Wriggling / difficulty sitting still

·         Needing things explaining lots

·         Late/ incomplete  homework

·         Forgetting verbal information

Work out ways to release the build up of pressure if you see any signs of stress

The school day is very busy and there are lots of things teachers have to squeeze in. But there are lots of quick and easy things that can be done to help children release the stress, relax or cope with the day with less uncertainly. And many kids on the spectrum have sensory processing difficulties too which will be having an impact on their ability to learn and process information. 

So here are a few ideas to try-

·         Fiddle toys when sat listening ( could be as simple as blue- tack)

·         Physical exercise- break times are vital part of kids day, never take this  away

·        Carpet square for own place on the  carpet, or even better let the child sit on a chair as they often need the support

·         Brain breaks as part of the lesson

·        A busy box filled with things the child can do independently for periods of free choice or when there is a lot of sitting and listening involved in the lesson

·         Task sheets breaking down the activity

·         Timetables up in all the classrooms

·         Can homework be done in a lunch club?

·         Ensure information is written down , including messages for home

·         Incorporate special interests where appropriate

·        Be aware of the environment; seating positions/ lighting/ smells/ noises etc and how this can affect a child’s ability to learn

·         Provide a chill out area ( could be some cushions under a desk, or a pop up tent)

·         A worry book/ box can help a child leave their worries at school

·      ‘2 stars and a wish’ can be done as a 5 minute debrief at the end of the day (2 things you have enjoyed today, one thing that didn’t go so well) it’s quite  a nice way to get a child to open up. Or simply some quiet time at the end of the day to listen to an audio CD or read a book as this can help with the transition home

·        Very clear expectations and no open ended questions

·   ‘Choice without a choice’ as some kids struggle being put on the spot; so “you can do this, or this”rather than "what would you like to do?”

·     Remember some kids can struggle with the pace of language so wherever possible back up with visual support

Give home a ‘heads up’ on any changes to the day ASAP

Sharing information is essential for keeping children prepared for any changes .This could be done in a home school book/ emails/ a little note home on a post it note or a phone call at the end of the day. And parents its really useful for school to know things like your child has had a bad night’s sleep, they are fretting about a test, or non uniform day etc. Keep those communication channels open in whichever way works best for you both.

There are many more ways in which children can be helped at school. But as each child is so unique and different, their needs will reflect that too. Sometimes all we need to do is think outside the box a bit with our kids.  A collaborative approach always works best, in which we listen to each other and respect each other’s knowledge and experience. The key to helping our kids is to learn from them. Watch them and listen to what they’re body language and behaviour is telling you as they can’t always verbalise it. Their needs can usually be met with a few simple modifications and good communication between home and school.

                   
(This blog has been published on http://www.kathybrodie.com/ as a Guest Post 24/11/2015)

What I want my child to know when his meltdown is over

To my beautiful boy,

You look so peaceful curled up in your bed tonight little man, it’s like the events of the day have washed over you with no ill effects at all. Your face shows no sign of the meltdown you endured earlier in the day. But as I stand here watching you dream, I can’t help but re-live the afternoon’s events over and over in my mind. Could I have done more to help you? Could I have avoided it from happening?

I am exhausted, but peaceful sleep won’t come for me tonight, my mind was whirring around as I wrestled with my thoughts, so I find myself here, having crept into your room on tiptoes so as not to wake you. Peering over your bed and wishing I could tell you how I feel.

You’re so precious to me my beautiful boy. I love you more than you will ever know. I wish I could make things easier for you because the world is just too much for you sometimes.

And today the meltdown fog took you away from me. I wish it was me in your place. I hate seeing you lost in yourself like that.

I had seen the fog approaching you, I wanted to scream to it to leave you alone, please stay here with my son, and let me make it better for you. I’m your mum and I am here to help you through it, that’s what mums do.

But I could see the panic in your face as you struggled to catch your breath. I could see the fear in your eyes as it began to engulf your body, swallowing you like a predator. I felt so helpless because deep down I knew this had to happen. Your body was saturated and overloaded with stress, and it had to come out somehow.

Every nerve in my body was telling me to scoop you up, but my motherly instincts were so wrong as my very touch was painful to you, and made you pull away from me all the more. My heart broke because I felt like I was making things worse. I felt so helpless as the fear and rage swept over you. 

As I watched helpless, I saw my own panic reflected in your teary eyes, and I didn’t know what to do. I hate feeling like that. It’s meant to be my job to protect you my beautiful boy.

I tried to tell you it would all be alright but you couldn’t hear me, the meltdown fog had blurred your senses and the world around you was gone. I could feel my heartbeat pounding as I tried to stay calm and keep you safe from yourself.

I know you don’t mean to hurt anyone when you lash out. It’s not really you, so I take the hit as doors slam and chairs fly. Time stood still and every second felt like hours while I watched you lose yourself to the fog. All I could do was let it take its course which pained me to my core.

And then eventually you became quiet, you rocked slowly and I knew this was your way of calming yourself, before  you slid  down the wall in a heap on the floor.  You slowly unravelled every muscle of your body and there you were.

My beautiful 11 year old little boy; so vulnerable and raw.

 I could feel your whole body sigh as the exhaustion set in. And I wanted to cry, but I fought the tears back. Holding my breath I waited for a sign that you were ready for me to enter your world once more. Your eyes slowly opened and looked at me. 

My knees give way and I crawled towards you reaching out gently to touch your hand.

Your eyes closed at my contact and I knew you were with me once more. I needed to hug you, to release all my adrenaline too, as suddenly realised how exhausted I was. So there we lay on the floor. My hand on yours, I have no idea how long we remained like that. But that touch was so precious to me that I never wanted it to end.

 And as I lay there I realised something. You never really left me because when you’re swamped in that fog I feel everything with you. You and I are so in tune that I feel every fear, every anxiety, every scream and every feeling of pain you inflict on yourself..... I feel it too.

We are so connected you and I that your pain is my pain.

Do you know you’re not alone my angel? I know you may not say it, but deep down I know you feel it because with me you’re truly yourself. It’s safe to unravel when you are with me. And I want you to know I will be here, no matter how thick the fog gets, I will be there by your side all the way waiting for you to find you way though.

As I watch you here sleeping in the darkness my love overflows, and the tears drip down my cheek.

 I kiss your forehead and whisper to you how proud I am of you. I may not be able to stop the fog from coming all the time, and I can’t make the world a less confusing place for you always, but I know that it’s going to be OK because I love you to the moon and back, and I am here for you always right by your side.

And really that’s we need to know. 

The future remains uncertain; but right here right now, all that really matters is us. And we’re in this together, always and forever.

Goodnight my darling boy, sweet dreams

Mum x

This blog was published on the Mighty 20/11/15)
 http://themighty.com/2015/11/what-i-want-my-child-to-know1-when-his-meltdown-is-over/

The Meltdown

The Meltdown

My boy

My beautiful boy

The days been hard

The world is too much sometimes

I can see the fog creeping over your body

Don’t let it take you

Stay here with me, let me make it better

But deep down I know this has to happen

It has to come out somehow

You're saturated

I’m your mum and I am here to help you through it

But my instincts are all wrong

Because every nerve in my body is telling me to scoop you up

My beautiful boy I need to make it better

I am helpless

My heart breaks to see you like this

I’m losing you to the fog, to the meltdown

It’s engulfing you, swallowing you like a predator

You’re gasping for air

Panic and rage soon follows

Breathe, remember to breathe my boy

I don’t know what to, what should I do?

I feel like I make things worse

My touch is painful to you, you pull away

What’s wrong, what can I do?

You can’t hear me

Heartbeats faster

I see my panic reflected in your eyes

My boy is so frightened

You lash out, I take the hit

Doors slam, chairs fly, I need to keep us safe until this passes

Seconds feel like hours

Slowly the fog subsides

and you become quiet

You rock slowly to calm yourself

Then slide down the wall in a heap

Your body unwinds and sighs

I hold my breath, and wait wrapping my arms around myself for comfort

Feelings of calm creep back in

My knees give way, I crawl towards you

Reaching out I gently touch your hand

You close your eyes

My love overflows

It’s OK my angel, you’re OK now

I love you
We're going to be OK

Mum xx

Who is 'that mum?'....

Can I share a story with you?

A story behind who ‘that mum’ really is.

You see ‘that mum’ found herself on a roller-coaster of a  journey, a journey that she hadn’t really ever planned to ride, and she certainly hadn’t read the guidelines for!

Now you may be read this and think that mum sounds just like me, I’m so relieved that I’m not alone.

Or you may read this and think I know that mum; and I never realised that’s why she stands in the playground each day looking down at the floor, maybe I’ll go and talk to her?

Or finally you could read this and think I hadn’t realised how much courage it took for that mum to finally open up to me and let me into her world.

So here is the story of ‘that mum’

One morning in September there was a playground full of nervous little kids. All looking so grown up; wearing their crisp clean uniforms, and running around in their squeaky new shoes. Their parents were beginning to smile and nod at each other in a knowing kind of way, all as nervous as each other. Then the awkward silence was broken by the bell ringing loudly, a signal to everyone that it was now time. Time for all the anxious parents to let go, and time for the children to start on their journey of discovery.....as it was their first day of school

Well here she is

Here in the middle of this

But her son was screaming, and clinging onto her as if his life depended on it, and she was wishing the ground would swallow them up, as all eyes looked in their direction.

Her poor boy, why was he being like this, why couldn’t he just be like all the other kids?

Day after day as his anxiety continued she told herself it was just his nerves, it would soon settle. But niggling in her gut was this fear that she couldn’t shake; a feeling that something with her child was different. Yes he was anxious, and yes he needed routine, but more than she would have expected for a little 5 year old boy....She suspected there was more going on, but she was too afraid to admit it yet, even to herself.

So instead she distracted herself with thoughts of the football matches they would proudly stand and watch. And the school plays they would sniffle through, and that kept her focused for a while.

But slowly she began to realise that her son was just unique from his classmates. She watched with a feeling of envy as the other mums in the playground collected their kids who were all smiles and laughter. And she found herself beginning to avoid eye contact with them to ensure she didn’t have any awkward conversations about how well it was going. She just couldn’t face opening up to them, or worse having to pretend that everything was OK.

So she would stand in the corner and wait nervously for that first glimpse of her son, as she knew instantly as soon as she saw him what kind of day he’d had, and therefore what kind of evening they would face at home.

 He would stomp out at the back of the class looking pale, scowling at her whilst chucking his bag in her direction, and then he would often explode in the car, pushing his sister away and sobbing uncontrollably. He was struggling with the demands of school. Then teatime would become a battle zone, and homework ... well let’s not even go there with homework! It was just the most horrific time of the day and left them both feeling battered and bruised with the stress.

Day after day she began to question what more she could do, and then the guilt would eat away at her because she was a working mum. She was clinging on by her fingernails. It was exhausting, especially when she didn’t really know why it was happening, she had no answers, and no one else saw it but her family. But deep down she just knew......

Everyday was getting harder and harder to get him into school, and eventually she became so exhausted holding it all together and putting up this front. Tired and worn down she knew something had to give.

She felt sick.. She had to start being honest with herself and stop pretending everything was OK.

This is not something she wanted to have to do. You see she wanted to be the mum on the PTA organising the cake sales, and dutifully volunteering as a mum helper, reading once a week with his class. That’s the journey she had expected to be taking with her 5 year old son, not this roller-coaster ride she was now on.

It would take all her courage to start this conversation with someone she barely knew and let anyone glimpse into her world. A world she had kept hidden for so long to protect her son from prying eyes and judgement.

She felt like she had been slowly climbing this roller-coaster for months, higher and higher she had gone..... she was now at the top of the climb facing a momentous drop into the unknown, there was no other way down....  she was so scared.

What would she say?

What would she think?

Would she think she was a bad parent?

Would she call social services?

Will she laugh at me?

So her defence walls were guarded. The war paint was on as means of protecting her feelings keeping her dignity intact.

She avoided it for days, head down, looking at no-one. Never quite plucking up the courage, and never finding the right time to start a conversation.  But then one particularly morning full of stress (non uniform day) she simply could take no more,  and whilst peeling her screaming  son off her leg, her gaze caught the teacher’s eye. And the emotions simply overflowed, tears began to well up and slowly trickle down her face.

This is where her complex journey with school as a special needs mum begins.

This is where my journey to becoming ‘that mum’ all started!

Mrs M x

A version of this blog can be found on http://www.kathybrodie.com/