'images: www.freeimages.co.uk'
For my son, anxiety is part of who he is.
In fact, it is as much a part of his make up as the colour
of his hair or the freckles on his nose that come out every summer. It is his constant
companion and is far more than just a bit of worry that can be soothed away
with some reassuring words of encouragement.
It is with him forever, and it is important we take it
seriously as it plays such a huge part in his life.
It was also actually one of the first indicators to us as he
was growing up, that something wasn’t quite as it should be. The older he got
the bigger his worries seemed to grow. But at the time we didn’t realise that
all the different behaviours we were seeing were driven by this hidden force
lurking inside him. And the more we tried to overcome it and force him into
situations that we thought he should be able to cope with, the worse we made
it; because we didn’t take his anxiety seriously. We didn’t realise how much his
anxiety was controlling his emotions and behaviours.
So we bowed down to pressure.
Pressure to make him conform because he looked so ‘normal.’
Pressure from professionals who didn’t have the answers we were so desperately
seeking. And pressure from ourselves to live up to the perfect family image
that everyone expected.
Pressure to fit our son into societies neat little boxes.
But in fact, we quickly learnt that the key to us being able
to move forward as a family unit was far more about us learning to accept and
embrace his differences as much as anything else. Learning to accept that his
anxiety was part of who he was, and it wasn’t going anywhere. And after all
that we had to learn how to unpick his behaviour to see what was really going on
underneath the surface.
And so out of necessity his anxiety became our constant
companion. We have reluctantly learnt to share our lives with it, having to let
it into our routines and family time. Allowing it to dictate the ebb and flow
of daily life like the tide. It’s inevitable when your child has anxiety linked
with their autism, there is no hiding from it…ever! So, we learnt to accept
that it is part of what makes him so unique and roll with it.
Sometimes we can all see his anxiety, even people that don’t
know him inside out like I do. It is etched on his face, in his body language
and it seeps out of every muscle in his movements. There’s no mistaking it. It
controls him like a puppet master making him bite his nails, compels him to ask
the same questions again and again with nothing being able to satisfy its
hunger. It makes him pace around the room like a caged tiger, and at times it
completely takes over his body. Primal instincts kick in which trigger the
fight or flight reflex in his body.
But this anxiety also has a darker more secret side.
The side that not everyone sees. This kind of anxiety
disguises itself and takes many forms, and shows many faces.
This cruel force can morph and change costumes at its own
will. Like a shape shifter it controls our children and confuses the adults who
are fooled by its whim. It becomes hyperactivity, violence, exhaustion, fear,
illness, or demand avoidance to name but a few. All these facets of our
children are driven by anxiety. It can hide and pounce as children learn to
mask their emotions and fit in to the confusing world around them.
And so, we find ourselves putting unhelpful labels on our
children to give meaning to behaviours that we don’t understand.
High needs,
challenging behaviour, low functioning, disruptive, hyper, impulsive, normal,
obsessive, high functioning, passive, aggressive, avoidant, or even naughty.
But I fear that these labels only serve to box our
kids in.
Making us set rigid expectations for them in a world that
should actually be far more flexible for children on the spectrum. These labels
can lead us to make assumptions and take things for granted. Not seeing the
potential pitfalls and variables that affect autistic children so intensely.
Leading us to miss the hidden anxiety that is so often driving so many of these
behaviours that society wants to put a label on.
When I think what we really should be doing is looking at
how we, as the adults, respond to our children’s anxiety. How we reflect on our
own practice, honestly, and without fear of criticism or failure. Believe me
when I say that over the years I have made many mistakes. I have got things
wrong, and spent many a sleepless night thinking how I could have handled
things better. But when I think about it, those mistakes taught me so much.
So as practitioners, we need to be asking ourselves if we
were flexible enough (because when fire meets fire no one wins I can tell you!)
We also need to be sharing good practice, sharing our successes and our failures. Working
collaboratively with parents, and talking to colleagues openly. Bouncing ideas off each other in order to
support these vulnerable children effectively as a team.
We need to see beyond the labels.
Understanding that often their behaviour is telling us, in
the only way that they know how to, that something is wrong. And often if
sensory issues can be ruled out, then the controlling factor is usually anxiety
in disguise.
Real, deep, life defining anxiety.
Anxiety about failing, anxiety about not understanding,
anxiety about the social interactions and rules they can’t makes sense of.
Anxiety about filtering out the acute sensory overload that is probably taking
up all their energy. Anxiety about holding it all together and that sense of
implosion that is building in their tummies as the hours tick by until home
time. And even anxiety about being anxious. It’s exhausting for them, and often
tricks us adults into thinking that the issues lie elsewhere…
·
It can make kids isolate themselves and withdraw
often getting overlooked, confusing us to think that all is well, but whose
parents report seeing a different child at home. The ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ kid that
you can’t make sense of.
· It could be the real cause of the child in class
that often complains of headaches or feeling sick, even asking to go the toilet
more often than they probably should.
· It’s probably the source of all those delay
tactics when it’s time to settle down to work, the real reason that a child
seems to have a knack of finding lots of distractions around the classroom,
rather than them simply being fidgety or hyper.
· It could be controlling the child in class with
their head down on the table, chewing their sleeve, scratching their arm or
rocking back and forward on their chair. The one you may think is just being
stubborn.
· It’s almost definitely ruling over the kid that
needs extra support as they often refuse to even attempt their work, and
regularly disrupt the class because that is better than them facing the
embarrassment of failure in front of everyone. You see anxiety breeds low
self-esteem and the need for self-preservation.
· It can also be the real reason that a child can
struggle to follow verbal instructions in the classroom, and leads them to
regularly forget what they are meant to do when the lesson starts. Not simply
because they have poor concentration or just don’t listen.
· And I can say with certainty that anxiety will
be the puppet master pulling the strings as a child gets frustrated and
explodes in class, often with no awareness of who is around them and how they
can hurt themselves or other people in the process. It throws chairs and swears
in anger, and it leaves children and staff confused and scared in many schools
up and down the country. That child is probably overflowing with stress
chemicals pumping through their bodies. Going from one panic attack to another
in a constant primal state of flight or fight… due to anxiety.
So instead of labels…
I think we need to be open minded and far more flexible.
We need to see beyond the behaviour, and play detective to
peel away the hidden faces of anxiety that is often driving our children’s
behaviour.
Perhaps by making behaviour analysis tools part of our daily
practice, so we can begin to really understand what’s going on with these kids
and break down those walls of hidden anxiety.
We need to think outside of the box and make real
accommodations in the classroom that are meaningful and not just ticking a box
for a policy.
We should understand that one size doesn’t fit all, and
every child is different. And see things from the child’s perspective and not
just our own.
And slowly but surely, these amazing kids will begin to
trust us, let down their guard, and their inner anxiety may just have nowhere
to hide anymore. No more shadows to lurk behind and no more masks to wear.
Mrs M xx
This guest blog was written for Kathy Brodie Early Years Advisor and can be found here at -
http://www.kathybrodie.com/guest-post/many-faces-anxiety/
I was intending my next post to be entitled 'life gives you lemons you make lemonade', but right now I'm feeling more like a squeezed out, dried up bitter old lime than a refreshing glass of lemonade... so that one will have to wait for another time I'm afraid! 
