Tuesday 22 September 2015

'Normal' service resumes

So it’s currently 2 am as I write this, I’ve tiptoed downstairs so as not to wake anybody (especially little man as that would not be pretty at 2 in the morning let me tell you!) The dogs are looking at me like with slightly confused sleepy faces,because I am sat scribbling my blog ideas in a notebook whilst eating hot buttered  toast.

Tonight I can’t sleep.

I must be mad, as I have to be up and fresh as a daisy (well .....Maybe more as fresh as a semi functioning human being) for the school run in just a few hours. But my brain is on overdrive!
I am very much aware of the fact that my last few blogs have been,well to say the least bloody depressing. Go on you know they have!! And let’s be honest you probably have enough depressing crap going on in your own lives I am sure, without reading all about mine.

But if I stop and think about it for a minute, it’s no wonder really. I have been put on meds as I am suffering from depression. So I suppose the nature of my writing naturally reflected that. I am now beginning to feel more human each day I as wake up (I was never a fan of the Zombie look at the best of times, and neither was my husband really if he was honest!) But I have learned a few important things about myself during these last few months .....

These blogs I started as a way to share stories about my amazing son. But my last few blogs have barely even touched on him. Subconsciously my focus shifted from him to me. It was my pity party and you were all invited. I think it needed to be though if I am honest. Us mums spend so much of our energy and focus on our kids, looking after everyone else that we forget about to look after ourselves in the process don’t we? Sometimes, just sometimes (for instance when having a teeny tiny mental breakdown) we need to focus on us. And if that means having my very own pity party for one..... Then so be it!

So I learned that I needed to focus on me, cos I felt so crap. I needed to get better... simple!

Does that make me a bad mother? No I don’t believe it does. Day to day life continued just with a less ‘in the room mum’ I did what I had to do to fill up my tank, to get better and to move on because I am a mum.  A mum to three wonderful kids that need me fighting their corner.

Secondly I think it’s also highlighted that I really don’t sugar coat anything. You can be assured when I say warts and all...I really mean warts and all!

I don’t lie or fill my blogs up with made up stories of sparkles and fairy-tales, candyfloss and loveliness. But neither do I want to write horror stories that do nothing to raise awareness and understanding. I am honest. It’s scary sometimes being as honest as I am. 
But if I am gonna do this I am gonna do this properly.

But c’mon I’ve gotta be a bit bonkers too haven’t I?? 
That’s the other thing I have learned. I mean I shared my flippin’ depression diary with the whole world of social media to see. What sane uptight British person does that? I now have to walk around Tesco and face people smiling, whilst thinking to myself, “oh cringe ... did she really read my confessions of finding being a mum hard!”

But finally and most importantly for me, I think I have discovered a love for writing. Its what I love to do.I have sat here for hours and hours drafting loads of blogs tonight whilst scoffing my toast. (All with a slightly less ‘pity party’ theme I promise) Re-shifting the focus back to my son because I feel as though ‘normal’ service is resuming..... Well whatever normal means?

‘Normal’ is unique to who you are, who I am, who my son is. ‘Normal’ is whatever makes us tick. ‘Normal’ is whatever you love to do, whatever you enjoy and whatever helps us get through the day.
So keep being your version of normal. I intend to, I will keep writing my blogs; bonkers, honest, warty and all.

I also promise to walk around Tesco with my head held high, regardless of what I share on here ... cos I am my version of 'normal'. My wonderfully crazy little family needs me and loves me, as much as I do them. 
And for that I am thankful! 

Mrs M x 

Saturday 19 September 2015

Taking it one day at a time

Hi all
So I have been adjusting to the antidepressants I have been put on by my doctor this week, and I can honestly say it’s been a pretty yucky week! I have felt at times like I have been hit by a bus and it’s been a struggle to get through the day never mind find the time to blog. I have felt a little bit spaced out at times and definitely feel like I lost my Mojo a bit.This depression is like my very own Dr Evil.

So this blog is a little bit different to my usual kind of writing as I thought it might me if help if I kept a brief journal of the first week or so on these tablets. I wasn’t even sure at the time if it was something I was gonna share, but today I read on the front of my teenage daughters English book something that inspired me. It said ‘write in a way that scares you a little.’ And this certainly does that!!
I’m either bonkers or brave for sharing my personal diary but hey ho you only live once eh...... 
It is as I wrote it at the time, I have edited nothing, so it’s my honest feelings each day.

So here goes nothing, this is my life over the last week and a bit as I adjust to my tablets and face each day.....

9th SEP – Really struggled getting up this am. Got kids to school G thinks I need to go to doctor. I snap at him but then phone when he’s gone to make an emergency appointment. (Hate it whens he's right!) Felt sick in waiting room. Cried at the poor doctor think he was only a junior. Can’t face tablet yet. Take it at bedtime.... worse night sleep ever, twitchy leg, mind racing! Arggghh nightmare. How am I  gonna get up with kids in am?

10th SEP- Blur day NO SLEEP AGAIN cant be bothered writing, too much washing to do, don’t know what I have to do today got kids to school OK,  tea then early bed again

11th SEP – NO SLEEP kids in school, got through day.....

12th SEP- Bad headache all day, have to go to bed.
Feel yuck, everything hurts lots of sleep cant move off bed, took tablet at night not this am to see if it helps

13th SEP- Girls room is meant to be decorated this week, crap timing this feels like I gotta mountain to climb. Need motivation from somewhere?? ...but start to paint room .... could scream at anybody cos there's a bloody mess everywhere i look, I'm so snappy hate hearing myself so try and just keep quiet... feel like a zombie today

14th SEP – Cancelled coffee with  Jackie, cant face it. Camhs in afternoon really don’t wanna go. Got really upset but she helped. Discussed a type of therapy can t remember name of it now..  but she told me to look after myself and stop feeling guilty. Gave myself another headache crying . Meant to be out with Sue tonight couldn’t face it so she came to me instead. Ate Chinese. Was nice evening... feel OK!

15th Sep- Slept better, feel little less heavy headed. Met Kathy to talk about my blog I felt excited about future,it was nice to see her. Little man was in good mood after school telling jokes  we laughed loud, love him so much he made me teary tonight. I managed some writing tonight which felt good:-)

16th Sep- Miss my mum this week. Miss my job. Shaky and nearly sick. So sleepy, struggled to stay up til after putting little man to bed

17th SEP- Carpet coming for girls room so cancelled all things I had to do today. Stayed in house. G off work but out for the  am. I pottered and showered. Cuddles with dog. Felt like hibernating today

18th SEP- Little man stressed out this am as Jeans for Genes day. I felt panicky in shop. Needed to eat felt sick. G took kids swimming after school and then we put  girls new beds together. Felt OK and enjoyed my dinner tonight.... felt hungry.

19th SEP - Today.....I was up nice and early, showered, still tired but pushing through. Washing done clothes sorted and house hovered.  Today’s a good day, I’m still bit snappy but I have a clear head today. Might even attempt a movie tonight....

          Hopefully my Mojo is returning, I'm taking it day by day..bit by bit one little step at a time.

                                                                          Mrs M