This time around its different

Hi folks

I am sat here thinking what on earth am I going to write about? I’ve been stuck in a bit of a writing funk I suppose. Not wanting to pick up the laptop to share with you what's been happening these last few months. But today I have decided to give it a go...

Back in September the dude was too anxious to return to his school after the long summer break. If I think about it had been coming for a long time but inevitably when things like this happen it turns everything upside down.

My life these last few months has completely focussed on him. He kind of went into what can only be described as an implosion. It was scary, and all those feelings flooded back to me where I felt out of control and short of breath, I was constantly nauseous and felt quite alone in all this.

You see we have been on this path before and it didn’t end well for me.

I ended up becoming ill, once he had recovered. I had held it together for months and then once I knew he was OK, well, I could hold on no longer.

But this time things have been different.

Last time I had to give up my job when it happened, this time I had no job to lose.

Last time I wasn’t looking after myself. I ate all the wrong foods and had nothing for me. This time I am in a much better place with my health, I’ve lost weight and I started running a few months ago. So now I can put my earphones on and leave all the crap behind as I shut the door and get out of breath and sweaty for half an hour. My brain switches off and just for a brief moment all that matters is the muddy puddles I am running through and my heart pounding through my chest as I try and regulate my breathing. I wobble and its not pretty, but I don't care anymore! I do it for me and no one else.

Last time I felt alone, and weak. But this time I have found some amazing professionals that are helping us to get through this. People who finally really get my son and are as passionate as me about getting him the support he deserves. I cannot tell you the difference it makes knowing that someone has got your back.

Last time he was unable to tell us what was wrong. I had to unpick his behaviour and be his voice. Sometimes being ignored and often feeling like his voice held no authority as it was coming from me. And after all I am just his mum!! But this time the dudes voice is being heard loud and clear. We are making sure of that. His voice is the most important at that table, even if he isn’t able to make it to the table, his voice still needs to be heard. And with the help of some amazing people I am certain that this will happen this time.

Last time I felt overwhelmed by the task at hand. This time I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The path is bumpy and long, but I know if we have done it before, we can definitely do it again!

Last time I was willing to be walked all over. I was a newbie mum. Uncertain of how much of a battle it all would become. Unprepared for the judgements and poking around that would happen because of the people who were meant to be helping us not knowing what to do. So, I felt under the spotlight, confused about whether or not my gut instincts were wrong, and I was persuaded to do things that ended up having an adverse effect on my son. This time however I am stronger. I still find any confrontation challenging, it drains me emotionally and I am exhausted with it all some days. But I know the system better now. I understand what I need to do in order to get my son the support he needs. I am less willing to accept things at face value and recognise the strength in having a team on your side. I don’t need to do this all on my own this time.

Because my son deserves the best.

My son deserves to be happy.

My son deserves to be supported by people that truly understand the difficulties that face children like him.

My son deserves future in which he can live as independently as possible.

So right now, all my energy is focussed on the goal of getting him better and finding a school that can meet his needs as he faces becoming a young adult with all the complications that brings.

This is where we are at now. This is my life...6 am emails, assessments, meetings, sleepless nights, medication and banging on doors to get answers.

And you guys all deserve to know that if you are going through something similar, you’re not alone and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I promise I will make more of an effort to start sharing my thoughts again with you.

This time around I will not give in, I will not take no for an answer, and I will be his voice for as long as he needs me to! 

Mrs M x

December 17th- Taking care of yourself this Christmas is important folks

TAKE care OF YOURSELF....

Please remember we don’t need to be superhuman, we will laugh and cry, have ups and downs, good days and days we are relieved just to see the back of. Don't beat yourself up when things feel too much.

Give yourself a break every now and again to meet a friend for coffee when the hubby's home, walk the dogs, nip to the supermarket, or catch up on the soaps (if you can.)

Take peoples offers of help if you're lucky enough to get them, family often want to help, and can often feel helpless not knowing what to do. It could be taking siblings out for a bit, doing some washing for you or walking your dogs. I know I can sometimes feel quite trapped over the holidays so take any offer up... I know I will be if any come my way.

ONLINE SHOP, enough said.

If you can't get a sitter (let's face it it's pretty unlikely) have movie night with the other half over the holidays, maybe a £10 meal deal with a bottle of wine. I know for us it often comes way down the list of priorities, but I need to remind myself how important it really is to do every now and again.

Let people know if you need to talk. Bottling things up won’t help. Make the most of your friends and family and tell them if you need a hand, it's not failing honest, it's called being human (and I have certainly been there and worn the T-shirt many times before so you're far from alone honest.)

Use your online support network. We understand how it feels and are probably feeling the same as you. Sometimes all we need is a quick chat to someone who gets it and then we can get on with our day.

Acceptance can go a long way in helping us get through the holidays. Be happy that your life is chaotic and always eventful, and trying to see the funny side of things really can help. This is half the battle of feeling happy, as looking at others and wishing our lives looked like that does us no good at all (usually their life is never as perfect as it seems anyway.)

If you feel like you're having more bad days than good and the fog isn't lifting it could be worth seeing a doctor. Our mental health should not be taboo, I myself am on antidepressants and I am not ashamed in the slightest to tell anyone that will listen! Because I am important too. In order to be there for my kids I need to look after myself. I learnt that the hard way. So please don't suffer in silence and feel ashamed. Be proud of what you do on a  daily basis and look at it as something you just need to do to fill up the tank when its running low.

Remember no ones life is perfect folks we all have our own challenges to deal with. So smile and remember you're doing a great job! 

Our kids are amazingly unique and yes life is challenging, especially at Christmas. But make the most of everyday... whatever comes your way!
And hold your head up high in pride as our children continue to teach us a new way to view our world and show us how to love unconditionally, as only children can.

Mum why do you look so sad?

“Mum, why do you look so sad?”

This was the question my 10 year old daughter asked me yesterday while we were sat on the sofa sharing a minute of calm in what is normally a pretty hectic mad house.

“Do I? Ah I’m just tired sweetie,” was my mumbled reply. It was a lie. I have depression and was having a really foggy day that day. She looked at me with a sort of puzzled yet knowing look that made me think she didn’t believe a word I was saying. I couldn’t take her gaze any longer so I jumped up quickly asking who wanted a biscuit.

Once in the safety the kitchen I grabbed the biscuit barrel down from the shelf, and it took all my strength not to blubber over the custard creams. Just breath I told myself, don’t cry don’t let the kids see you cry.

You see I thought I had been doing a pretty good job at keeping my depression from the kids. I have been holding things together and taking my tablets like the doctor said. I was getting through each day and gradually starting to feel better.

But my 10 year old daughter saw right through me. I was exposed. She could see a deep sadness etched in my face. Despite my makeup. Despite the home cooked dinner awaiting her after school. Despite the bedtime stories and snuggles we shared that day. She could see me.

It’s a strange thing really when I think about it. No matter how hard I try to paint over the cracks they are there. And people that know me well must be able to see them despite my best effort to hide it all behind my blusher. 

Even my 10 year old daughter sees it.

My depression is part of me, it doesn’t ever go away even when I am having a good phase. It’s always there. It’s etched in my every wrinkle and smile. And she didn’t know what is was, but she saw it.

So I have decided that tonight when she gets home from school we are going to share a slice of cake and I am going to talk to her. I will follow her lead and answer any questions she may have to ask me no matter how awkward I may feel about it. Because I know- that she knows I am hiding myself from her.

And I don’t ever want her to feel that whatever she is going through or however she is feeling is something that should be hidden away from others. My daughter has Dyslexia and this can really affect her self-esteem. So I don’t ever want her to feel that people won’t accept her for being honest with them. Our mental health and hidden challenges should never become something that can be brushed over with makeup like it doesn’t exist.

I am not ashamed of my depression. How can I be? It’s part of what makes me who I am. And in lots of ways it’s really helped me. Because there is real magic in speaking to someone who just gets it. Just understands how you feel and doesn’t need anything in return other than your understanding. It connects people, and it’s very powerful when you can make a difference someone else by sharing your own story. It doesn’t mean we are weak when we say things are tough sometimes, it just means we are human.

She needs to know that in darkness there is always light and true strength of character is shown when we accept and embrace the differences we all have.  She needs to hear the positive things about my depression. She needs to hear I am proud to be me, and maybe then she will be less anxious if she knows that I may look sad sometimes, but I am OK!

Sometimes in life as adults we feel bad when we don’t have all the answers and we want to magically make everything better for our kids, pretend like it is all hunky dory. But I don’t want any of my children to grow up ever feeling ashamed of who they are. I want her to be proud of herself, and proud to overcome any challenges that life throws her way. And I can’t do that by pretending it’s not happening to me in the here and now.

Her innocence yesterday made me realise that I need to be more open with my kids, In order for them to learn to love themselves I have to love me. They need to see that love means opening ourselves up to other people, not hiding how we feel from our loved ones, and being accepted for who you are unconditionally.

My depression will ease- it always does. And it may ravage me again at some point I am certain. But the difference is that next time when my children ask me why I look sad I will be honest with them. I am not ashamed of who I am, and I am going to try my hardest to help my daughter love herself for who she is and never ever to be ashamed of what makes her- well her- whatever that may be.

(This post can can be found on The Mighty)

Taking it one day at a time

Hi all

So I have been adjusting to the antidepressants I have been put on by my doctor this week, and I can honestly say it’s been a pretty yucky week! I have felt at times like I have been hit by a bus and it’s been a struggle to get through the day never mind find the time to blog. I have felt a little bit spaced out at times and definitely feel like I lost my Mojo a bit.This depression is like my very own Dr Evil.

So this blog is a little bit different to my usual kind of writing as I thought it might me if help if I kept a brief journal of the first week or so on these tablets. I wasn’t even sure at the time if it was something I was gonna share, but today I read on the front of my teenage daughters English book something that inspired me. It said ‘write in a way that scares you a little.’ And this certainly does that!!

I’m either bonkers or brave for sharing my personal diary but hey ho you only live once eh...... 

It is as I wrote it at the time, I have edited nothing, so it’s my honest feelings each day.

So here goes nothing, this is my life over the last week and a bit as I adjust to my tablets and face each day.....

9^th SEP – Really struggled getting up this am. Got kids to school G thinks I need to go to doctor. I snap at him but then phone when he’s gone to make an emergency appointment. (Hate it whens he's right!) Felt sick in waiting room. Cried at the poor doctor think he was only a junior. Can’t face tablet yet. Take it at bedtime.... worse night sleep ever, twitchy leg, mind racing! Arggghh nightmare. How am I  gonna get up with kids in am?

10^th SEP- Blur day NO SLEEP AGAIN cant be bothered writing, too much washing to do, don’t know what I have to do today got kids to school OK,  tea then early bed again

11th SEP – NO SLEEP kids in school, got through day.....

12th SEP- Bad headache all day, have to go to bed.

Feel yuck, everything hurts lots of sleep cant move off bed, took tablet at night not this am to see if it helps

13^th SEP- Girls room is meant to be decorated this week, crap timing this feels like I gotta mountain to climb. Need motivation from somewhere?? ...but start to paint room .... could scream at anybody cos there's a bloody mess everywhere i look, I'm so snappy hate hearing myself so try and just keep quiet... feel like a zombie today

14^th SEP – Cancelled coffee with  Jackie, cant face it. Camhs in afternoon really don’t wanna go. Got really upset but she helped. Discussed a type of therapy can t remember name of it now..  but she told me to look after myself and stop feeling guilty. Gave myself another headache crying . Meant to be out with Sue tonight couldn’t face it so she came to me instead. Ate Chinese. Was nice evening... feel OK!

15^th Sep- Slept better, feel little less heavy headed. Met Kathy to talk about my blog I felt excited about future,it was nice to see her. Little man was in good mood after school telling jokes  we laughed loud, love him so much he made me teary tonight. I managed some writing tonight which felt good:-)

16^th Sep- Miss my mum this week. Miss my job. Shaky and nearly sick. So sleepy, struggled to stay up til after putting little man to bed

17^th SEP- Carpet coming for girls room so cancelled all things I had to do today. Stayed in house. G off work but out for the  am. I pottered and showered. Cuddles with dog. Felt like hibernating today

18^th SEP- Little man stressed out this am as Jeans for Genes day. I felt panicky in shop. Needed to eat felt sick. G took kids swimming after school and then we put  girls new beds together. Felt OK and enjoyed my dinner tonight.... felt hungry.

19^th SEP - Today.....I was up nice and early, showered, still tired but pushing through. Washing done clothes sorted and house hovered.  Today’s a good day, I’m still bit snappy but I have a clear head today. Might even attempt a movie tonight....

          Hopefully my Mojo is returning, I'm taking it day by day..bit by bit one little step at a time.

                                                                          Mrs M 

                                                                             xx