Tonight my son walked through the door from school and
immediately I knew. He didn’t have to say or do anything....I just knew!
Call it mothers intuition, or call it years and years of
practice, but I knew something was wrong. It was the delayed effect. My son has
had a tricky day at school. He has held it together for nearly 7 hours. He
walks through the front door.....And bam!!
He’s somewhere safe, familiar and he can’t contain the
pressure anymore.
It creeps out of every fibre of his being. His face is tense
and he has red cheeks. His body is stiff and awkward. His words are fast and
loud, and he’s agitated. He’s hungry, he’s not hungry. He wants a snack but not
what’s in the cupboard. So he gets angry
and swears as he’s not in control of his body anymore. He wants to say hello to
the dogs but their over excitement is too much for him, so he’s too rough with
them and he gets cross with himself. I
try to ask him how he is feeling and it’s like there is a red fog surrounding
him. He can’t process what I am saying.
His sisters walk in chatting and laughing. They sound like a crowd of
people to him and he shouts to them both to be quiet. They snap back at him as
only sisters do and wham....the volcano explodes. We have lift off.
Meltdown. There’s no turning back now. It has to all come out!
Then comes the exhaustion; for him, and for me. He can’t
reflect on it because it’s all just too much. He just needs to recharge now, as
do I. It’s so hard being a mum on the receiving end of the delayed effect as it
holds no prisoners, and doesn’t care who it hurts in the process. So I can’t
even begin to imagine how it must feel for my son.
As his mum I know there would have been tell tale signs
throughout the day. But small clues that can be easily missed, as he would have
been largely compliant, therefore no one would have realised there was any
problem. But I know that as they day progressed his complexion would have
become paler as the energy sapped out of him with each passing hour. He may
have struggled to eat his lunch due to high anxiety. A nervous giggle would
have squeaked out when his teachers tried to speak to him. He would have put
his head down on the table during lessons, or possibly rocked back and forward
on his chair to calm himself down. And as the pressure mounted there may have even
been some finger picking, and sleeve chewing as the clock ticked towards home
time.
My son shows these signs of stress through his body language and gestures.
He can’t always communicate his needs verbally, so they can get missed. And to
be honest I don’t even think he is able to recognise this rising pressure
himself until it’s too late most of the time.
The delayed effect is a very common challenge facing many
children on the Autistic Spectrum. Some children are able to contain their
feelings all day at school, with the teacher blissfully unaware that there is a
problem. However the stress hormones are slowly building and building inside
these kids. This creates a Jekyll and Hyde sort of situation that can put
incredible pressure on families. Especially if the teacher doesn’t understand
or believes what the parents are telling them. So let’s think about it this way
for a minute.......
Imagine yourself as a bottle of pop. Your ingredients include;
Autism, Sensory processing difficulties, ADHD, and a hidden speech and language
delay. The worlds a confusing place and your difficulties are largely hidden to
the wider world, not many people understand things from your perspective.
Your
day......
Going to
school is just one big worry for you...
so give that bottle a shake!
You get to
school and your teacher says “let’s start a new topic” ...what does that mean? ...give it
a shake!
You don’t
understand what you have to do...shake it up!
You make a
mistake...shake, shake, shake!
The lights
in class are buzzing, it’s annoying... shake it
a little more!
It’s
assembly. You have to sit still while your insides are wiggling and jiggling around....shake it up!
The
timetable changes and it’s not maths like it should be, it’s now music... and again!
The taxi
gets stuck in traffic, your late home, and the wrong radio station is on in the
car... that’s a few more shakes!
You get home and the lid blows off
with the pressure!! That's the delayed effect! Its a real thing... trust me. The times over the years I
have felt so confused and isolated when teachers would say to me “well that is a surprise we dont see any
of that here at school.” Or I would hear “well he can behave for me, so maybe
your being too soft on him”. I spent many a
sleepless night wondering if it was me. Was it my parenting? But I am
his mum and my gut instinct is always right. I knew there was something my child
was struggling with and all I had to do was really understand what his
behaviour was telling me. My child explodes at home with me because I am his
safe place. I am predictable and calm and he can really be himself at home. At
home he is fully accepted.
So this tells me
that there are many things that can be done in order to reduce this build up of
stress hormones for children like my son, by making them feel more safe and
accepted for who they are And that means really embracing their individual
needs. Not just trying to fit a round peg into a squre hole. If you want to
read more about the delayed effect you will find really useful threads on my
facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/sliceofautism
