Crap happens

"Well hello there strangers! Long-time no-see!"

It’s been almost 5 months since I last picked up my laptop and attempted to jot anything down that faintly resembled a blog, so I thought I would pop on today and give you all a little heads up about what’s been going on.

Where to start?...

Well those of you who have been following my blog for a while know that I have suffered with mental health issues for a long time, and as a result of that, I can honestly say that looking after myself has always come way down on the bottom my priority list

… Kids, appointments, school issues, cleaning, ironing, shopping, simply keeping my head above water has been how I have lived the last ten years of my life.

But towards the back end of last year I had a bit of a scare when I visited the doctors for my annual blood pressure review. My weight was soaring, my BP was still sky high despite the meds, my glucose levels were high, and my cholesterol levels were also creeping up and up.

Crap…. I was 37 and becoming a stroke/ diabetic waiting to happen!

I was knocked sideways I won’t lie to you.

I had to take a long hard look at my life and admit some things that were hard to swallow.
I wasn’t looking after myself at all. I had become stuck in a vicious cycle of grabbing the quickest thing to hand, which was usually a bag of crisps, or a bar of chocolate. I was so busy looking after everyone else that I had forgot about me.

I was tired, stressed, depressed, exhausted, feeling like crap and facing the very real reality that my kids could be left with no mum if I carried on the way I was going.

Something had to give.

So I decided in December of last year, that 2017 was going to be the year that I was going to be selfish. I was going to stop making excuses and sort myself out. My kids needed me, so I had to do everything I could ensure that I was going nowhere.

It never ceases to amaze me where that hidden drive and strength comes from within when it comes to our kids. I was going to do this, for them.

I slowly but surely started adjusting my diet, moving my body a bit more, getting out in the fresh air a bit more, and putting my needs higher on the 'to do list' for the first time since, well, forever really.

But you see I quickly found out that all this looking after yourself takes focus and time, precious time that I already had very little of.

Life’s busy ain't it folks!

So as a result, my writing had to take a back seat.

I have so much going on in my wonderfully crazy life, that I simply couldn’t concentrate on getting my ‘five a day’ down my neck, and dragging my lazy butt around the block for a power walk in the dark (so no one could see me all red faced and out of breath), whilst at the same time running a Facebook page and sharing my 'warts and all life' on my blog.

So I decided to take a break and keep the page going as best I could until I was managing this new healthier lifestyle a bit better. And I was getting there, slowly the weight was coming off, I was running for a minute without dying, I was reducing my antidepressants, and the sports bra was doing its job without snapping!

Until…more crap (Life has a habit of throwing curveballs our way doesn’t it!)

My husband phoned me up  one day to say he was being made redundant.

Now this is hard for any family to take. But like many of you sat reading this today, I am my son’s carer, and therefore earning very little as I am unable to work full time. So we rely on his income.
His shift patterns had moulded around our family needs over the years, and we honestly felt like life was piling a whole new pile of muck our way.

I buckled and lost focus. I can’t do this I thought as I reached for the family size bag of onion rings to distract my mood.

Why us, what have we done to deserve this?

These negative thoughts plagued my mind day and night.

How are we going to afford the rent, how long can we survive if he can’t get a job?
Do I need to get another job…but who will be here for my son when his taxi gets home each day? What about school holidays? How will I fit in the 5 supermarkets I have to go to each week if I’m working?

It was a tough couple of weeks. I nearly gave up.

Now fast forward to where we are now...on the cusp of the summer holidays. And I have to say this is the hardest time of the year for me with 7 long weeks to fill!

But I’m OK. I have got this, the good and the bad.

Time has a habit of putting things into perspective you see.

My husband has decided to use this  redundancy curveball to re-train, to go back to college, and change his career completely. It’s scary as hell, I won’t lie to you, but who knows… it could end up being the best thing that ever happened to him. He has turned the situation around to his advantage.

And it took me being told my health was at risk, to learn to take the good days with the bad. To learn that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. Because I was the one telling myself that I couldn’t do it. I was the one choosing to sit on the sofa to watch Corrie on catch up rather than take the dogs for a walk, get some fresh air and actually clear my head in the process.

I got through those dark days and didn’t let the fear swallow me up. It was scary but I scooped up the crap I had been gifted by fate, and planted flowers in it…Who would believe it eh, I actually like running!

Hah!!

Believe me there is no one more surprised by this than me. You see I was always the girl in school at the back of the line being picked in team sports and couldn’t even run to the end of my road to chase the ice cream van in my slippers without having an asthma attack. But slowly week by week, following a programme on my iphone I ploughed on. Running for a minute, then two, then three. And now I can run 3  miles! I still cant quite believe it myself!

When I whack on my trainers, I can forget everything ( if only for a short while) I can live in the moment and feel the rain on my face.

I sweat, it’s not pretty believe me.., and I have jiggly bits that have a mind of their own. But I don’t care anymore. I’m doing this for me, and for my kids. I’m looking after myself and if that’s selfish of me, then so be it!  

I have just had a health review and my BP is now stabilised, I'm 4 stone lighter, my glucose levels no longer indicate pre diabetes and my cholesterol levels reflect the salad and fruit that I now eat instead of the pies and cakes! Turns out I actually needed that kick up the arse to spur me on to sort myself out. Although at the time I didn't see it like that believe me.

I don’t know what the future holds. A whole lorry-load more crap for all I know.  But I now have an extra large shovel, and plenty of flowers that love a good bit of manure to help them grow!

If these last few months have taught me anything folks, it’s that us parents are stronger than we can ever imagine. There will be dark days, fear and uncertainty, but please believe me when I say that you can handle whatever life throws at you, and most importantly look after yourself because you’re more precious than you will ever know! (Oh... and keeping a large shovel in your shed comes in pretty handy too sometimes.)

Bring it on I say, and its so good to be back!
Mrs M x

Please excuse my appearance I'm still shaking off Christmas

Hi folks

Wanted to pop in and well- say hi really. It's been a crazy few weeks for us all hasn't it, well done for embracing the bonkers that is Christmas in an Autism house /school. And I hope you all managed to get some chill time too. And if it was all just a blur now the kids are all back at school hopefully you can start to recharge a bit- sorry teachers don't mean to rub it in.

It feels a bit weird this 'cos I don't feel like I have done a 'normal' blog post for ages. What with all the Christmas blogs I did, and the deadlines for other publications I have had to get done I've almost gotten out of the habit of writing with no brief to work to, writing just for me and you- so bear with (nod to fellow Miranda fans there) I'll soon get back into the swing of things.

I have to admit the first week in Jan has been a killer in our blumin' household I can tell you. I had this lovely vision of 2016 starting with a bang and being all positivity and renewed energy. Serves me right for wishful thinking doesn't it- I know I know I never learn, things never go to plan!

My girls have been really ill with a virus, so the doc says just suck it up and they'll fight if off themselves. We've had raging temps, hallucinations and emergency 3 am trips to the out of hours half way across town. I've had insomnia for weeks now (it's currently 2.45 in the morning) which is frustrating to say the least, and my hubby has now resorted to sleeping on the sofa downstairs 'cos I've picked up this bug from the girls and he's sick of  being kept awake by my coughing.

I've got a Mount Everest pile of washing to somehow plod through, and my housework- well let's not even go there with that one. To top it off my hair is so grey I could get a bus a bus pass, and my legs can't make an appearance this side of spring for fear of someone reporting a Yeti roaming the streets of Cheshire.

I literally look and feel like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Well actually I almost was- as getting the fattest Christmas tree in the world out of the front door was like dragging myself through a blumin' hedge the other day. Stupidly I attempted this when my hubby was at work. You know like we do us women- we get sick of waiting so we just think "ah it easier to just do it myself!"(I have the spike marks to prove my stupidity.) Oh it was fine getting the fattest tree on the world into the house 'cos it was all nicely wrapped up wasn't it! But when we snipped away the protective layer holding the tree together well it just plopped down its huge belly with a flop and took up half my lounge.

So when the day arrived that I decided I wanted rid - well it looked like a pine needle massacre had taken place in my house as I dragged this tree kicking and screaming across my lounge, the water spilled out everywhere and little man was guiding me around the obstacles in panic as he watched me wrestling the giant Christmas tree half way up the stairs to get it to the right angle to then shove it out the front door with a loud pop as the pressure of the tree stuck in the doorway released and I fell out in a heap on top of it.

                                      (They never seem quite as big out in the field do they?)

Well the spiky little green needles of pain were in every crack and crevice of the house, they were everywhere- and I mean everywhere! I am still finding tiny green devil needles poking out of my bra even today. Waiting for me silently in disguise for days and days and then all of a sudden they strike with no warning. Like when I'm sat in the doctors surgery surrounded by a room of people who don't want to make eye contact. So as discreetly as I could I reached down into my general boob area and had a fumble around. Gotcha you little *bleep*  I blurted out uncontrollably. Only to then look up and see the look of horror in the poor little old lady's face sat opposite me as she wondered what the heck I was doing.

And then this week with immaculate timing as ever little man has sensed my vulnerability, and he has got an idea in his head about a game he wants. And my goodness we all know how persistent our kiddos can be don't we- well we're currently on day 7 of mithering now with numerous meltdowns to boot. Plus it's been raining all week so we have been stuck in the house like a bunch of grumpy snotty gremlins driving each other round the twist every night.

So a great start to 2016 eh ! No matter how many 'blumin feel good blogs I do about New Year the reality never works out as planned does it ha ha!

...I don't bloody believe this as I just looked across my bed as I live and breath, what's lay there? There at the end of my bed taunting me.- a pine needle!
Look...

No matter how hard I try I can't quite shake off Christmas yet. The pine needles and coughs are actually a good reminder to me that it took monumental effort to get us all through the season and it's gonna take a bit longer than the first week of January for me to get back to any kind of normality and fighting fit, never mind positivity and renewed energy!

And trust me I will get all those darn needles- one day soon, just you wait and see. I'll find every last one of you!

But for now my quest needs to be sleep. So it's time for me to switch off and try and get some shut eye now - and if nothing else hopefully I have made you think maybe your week wasn't so bad after all. 'Cos at least you're not being stalked by killer pine needles every hour of the day- I'm off to bed now and I may just sleep with the light on tonight!

                                                                         Mrs M x

My New Years letter to you......Yes you sat reading this

To my lovely friends and family,

So here we are folks. The last day of 2015. It's a time when we are meant to reflect on the last 12 months of our lives and look forward to whatever the future has in store for us.

I have to say that I am honestly pretty relieved to see the back of this last year. There have been many moments of absolute despair and I have  felt so alone and confused at times. But on the flip side to this I then I found you lovely lot out there in the world of social media.

I had plucked up the courage to share my story and I realised I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t alone in feeling overwhelmed and isolated. I discovered that up and down the country there were so many mums just like me who muddled through each day, and collapsed into bed relieved to have simply got through the day in one piece.

And for that reason alone I can't tell you how happy I am that I started writing. I have made some wonderful new friends and I have been truly humbled each time one of you lets me into your lives and shares your own story with me.

So 2015 has been a year of ups and downs alright- I had a depressive episode and shared it warts and all with you! My little man started his new school and I shared our first day anxiety with you all, and you were there with us every step of the way. Then there was our crazy family holiday in which I lost the plot and had my own mummy meltdown, but again you were there for me to keep me going.

There have been many highlights this last year too- being published in magazines and newspapers, Yahoo picking up my work and then my blog going viral. And starting to write a book to name but a few. But over and above all of that- what’s been the highlight for me is when someone who reads my stuff takes the time to contact me to say what I have written has helped them, or made them cry. Or my words have them realise why they have felt so out of sync with the world their whole life... well that just floors me. 

I can't get my head around that and it honestly makes everything I do, all the hours I spend, 100% worthwhile.

Your support and friendship means more to me than you will ever know. And that is why I will continue to share our story in 2016.

I have discovered these last few months what a politically hot world the Autism community is. And I have found myself staying away from the politics of it all as my feeling is that it reflects our attention away from what’s really important- us,our kids, our families and a need for true openness and acceptance. I can’t be afraid of what I write because people can see straight through the bull. And it's just not my style. 

So if you want politics I’m just not the writer for you.

I will continue to write about my love for my son, our journey with Autism and how I get through the day. Sometimes its pretty and sometimes it's not. I can't and won't shy away from that as I need to be honest. Life is tough sometimes and mums should never feel ashamed for saying that. It doesn’t mean we love our kids any less or want to change them.

Parenthood is one of the hardest things we ever face, period. 

Its not wrong to say we need help on occasions.It's not wrong to share our joy, our ups and downs and our moments of despair because we are human.

I have always written straight from my heart and always with my sons privacy at the forefront of my mind. I try not to offend anyone and so far I seem to have avoided any controversy. But if I worried too much about what I write I honestly think it it would change the way I share my story, and I don’t want that, as I have finally found my voice.

And I hope that by sharing my own story it helps people see the world from a different perspective. And helps other families like mine muddle through the system knowing that they are not alone in what can be a very hostile and confusing world for both us and our kids.

So really I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you.

Thank you for being there, and reading my ramblings. Thank you reaching out to me and for sharing your stories. Thank you for following my page and sharing my stuff. I wish I could thank you all personally but this will have to do for now.

You will never know how grateful I am to you all my lovely friends and family.

So here’s to a happy healthy and slightly bonkers 2016 as I continue to share my story warts and all and I hope you will continue to stick around for the ride....

Mrs M xx