Wednesday 23 January 2019

My Endo and me

My Endo and me....

“End-o-mi-tri-o-sis?" What's that then!? People say.

It is my secret companion. "My Endo." Not my friend, not welcome, but here non-the less. 

Invisible, silent and hidden from view. No one saw it coming, not even me

My Endo piles on the pain when I’m most vulnerable, when I’m tired or run down. When I have a million things to do.

My Endo changes the rules of the game at its whim.... Taking a disliking to certain foods because it can and flaring up for days on end for no explicable reason. 

My Endo likes to take away my enjoyment of life. Reducing this (almost) 40 year old woman to a fetal ball curled up on the sofa, with a hot water bottle strapped to her tummy unable to move.

My Endo has silently spread, unwelcome and uninvited through my body like a parasite. 
Covering my ovaries, womb, uterus and bowels in adhesions and cysts. Coating my insides like glue. Leaving me exhausted and too tired to sleep some nights.

My Endo likes to attack when I least expect it, always keeping me on my toes and ready for the next battle. It’s halting my ability to dance the night away at my best friend's wedding, and it didn’t want me to join in the family fun on Christmas Day. Instead forcing me to admit defeat and surrender into my pyjamas whilst everyone else had fun around me. 

You see My Endo demands my attention and doesn’t care what I have planned.

My Endo taunts me to rebel. Bending my willpower and determination not to give in to its demands. But some day I have to wave the white flag of defeat, when I just can’t take the pain anymore. And so my life goes on hold until My Endo says so. 

My Endo makes intimacy with my husband hard, due to the pain it likes to inflict on me at times. And it can become a cruel master of my body. Taking away my control and freedoms.

My Endo is unknown by most and has earned the nickname "mums tummy pain” by my kids. It’s easier that way, as most people have never even heard of Endo.

So it becomes my burden to carry. But my families sadness is clear to see as they watch me in pain, frustrated that they can’t help or make this unwelcome guest leave our house. 

And now unfortunately My Endo has become hospital appointments, blood tests and surgery. Stitches, drips and hobbling to the toilet holding my stomach bandages in place.  

So I'm sorry My Endo, but you can't be my secret companion anymore, because people need to know about what a debilitating disease you are.

And sadly I can’t show you the door and get rid of my unwelcome guest. But I can keep you at bay, by facing the surgery and having the treatments to keep you better under control.

I can’t be embarrassed of you anymore! 

So this year, when my body is recovered enough from surgery for me to start fighting back again, I will use my new found passion for running to let people know about you, my Endo. 

We will pound the streets in our trainers to stamp out the misery you cause. We will fundraise for better awareness of Endometriosis.

And I will use my love of writing to tell my story if I can.... as I am sure it’s the same story that many 1000's of women and girls who have suffered in silence for too long now share in common with me. And I will not be silenced by my secret anymore.

We are told  as women not to talk about our monthly cycles. To hide our sanitary products and pop painkillers to numb the pain. It’s private and hidden, behind closed doors. But too many women suffer in silence thinking they have to put up with the pain and excessive bleeding because it’s just part of being a woman. 

Well it’s not. 

It’s taken years of repeated visits to the GP, misdiagnosis and endless tests to get to where I am now. And that’s wrong. 

So, My Endo, I did not want you to invade my body. And quite frankly I wish you would do one! But you’re now part of me now whether I like it or not. 

But you need to know that I am in control of me from now on. There may be days that you win, but I will always bounce back. I will not let you swallow me up. I will take it a day at a time. And I will enjoy the days that you are absent.

So up yours Endo! 
Mrs M X