December 16th- Calming Strategies and Meltdowns

Calming Strategies....

Things can get really hectic  at this time of year, and sometimes it all just becomes too much for our little ones.

Keeping routine and structure will really help keeping anxieties low, but if you sense that your child is beginning to struggle its worth trying to de-escalate the situation by using whatever strategy works for you and your child. 

Here are some simple things you could try…

Going outside for some fresh air can work wonders, maybe a dog walk or a run around the park. My son often finds being in nature really relaxing, he climbs trees and rolls around in the mud to his hearts content. It often really helps to bring his anxieties back down and levels his mood.

Calming music and dimming the lights can really calm a child.

'Bubble motion tumbler' toys can work really well for children to focus on and are very relaxing to watch.

Lying on the sofa and being 'squished and squashed' with cushions can have a calming effect on some children.

One of the hardest things for children to recognise is when they are beginning to feel anxious and stressed, as they often live in a heightened state of anxiety all the time. That's why they can seem to explode from out of nowhere.  So emotions visuals and wristbands etc can help us as adults highlight to our children when we sense they may need some calming strategies. Visuals work well for this as language is difficult for children to process when they are anxious

Some children find being in a warm bath or shower relaxing, as do us adults when we get chance!!

Pets are amazing at calming children who are anxious. My sons loves to cuddle his dogs when he is feeling sensitive.

Its always worth having a sensory kit bag with fiddle toys/ earphones/ blanket/ lights/ stress balls / favourite snacks etc.

Sucking on ice can help, my son uses ice pops or chewing gum as I find when he is stressed he starts chewing his sleeve.

A tent with cushions and blankets, this could be in the lounge or upstairs out of the way, whatever works for you.

Favourite activity/ special interest can be what children need to reset.

Allowing your child to stim, its what they need to do.

Pressure and weighted products can help calm children, these include jackets, blankets, shoulder and lap cushions.

Jumping on a trampoline/off the sofa can relax and calm kids as it repetitive movement. Or a scooter board also offers repetitive relaxing movement if you scoot up and down on it.

Shaving foam on the kitchen table is a great sensory activity that relatively easy to clean.

Spinning in a chair can help some kids to calm.

Ear defenders can help if things are too loud, or listening to a favourite story or music on their earphones.

Stretchy suits and sleeping bags can provide cocoon  like comfort and help children feel safe.

A drive in the car can help calm a child sometimes maybe with their favourite audio story just to get out of the situation.

Hand/ head/ shoulder massage can help calm a child that’s becoming distressed, this often works well for my son.

But inevitably things do escalate sometimes despite our best efforts so....Reduce pressure, reduce language and choose your battles.  I find it helpful to think of it in terms of a panic attack. This helps me focus on helping my son instead of getting frustrated with him.

Kids who are really overwhelmed feel trapped and will more often than not want to run away to keep themselves safe from whatever the perceived threat is. And if they can't escape, they will lash out to get passed whatever is in their way, which is often us (flight or fight). So as long as it's safe for them to do so, allow a way for them to get out of the situation, and you will find they often take themselves to what makes them calm anyway. 

Keep your tone as calm as possible, your language to a minimum and don't criticise. This is one of the hardest things we have to learn to do as so much of the process of de-escalating the situation is down to how we react to the behaviour. It always helps me to just keep telling myself it's not personal and they can't help it. They are not in control of their bodies when things have got to this stage. Repeating this again and again in my head has  got me through many a tricky situation with both my own son and the children I have supported over the years.

If you feel that knot in your stomach becoming too big and you feel swamped with adrenaline get someone else to take over and get yourself calm again.

And finally don't beat yourself up. Despite all the planning, prep and routines in place ....sometimes we can't avoid everything. 

So do your best and give yourself some time to recharge afterwards. Just as your child will need time to recover, so will you. Take care of yourself and don't dwell on what went wrong.

Pat yourself on the back for being so in tune with your child that they feel safe enough with you to truly be themselves at their most vulnerable time. And know that they need our help, love and support more than ever when they feel like this. 

So what you're doing simply by being there everyday is so important for your child and if they could, they would tell you the very same as I am about to.....You're Fab!

I hope some of these suggestions may have given you some ideas, and made you realise what a great job you're already doing...so it would be great if you could share anything that's worked well for you and your child in the comments section below

...

Being a mum is a lot like being a roadside recovery...

Imagine your body is a car engine. Sometimes it ticks along quite nicely. Cruising down the smooth road with no bumps, pot-holes or distractions. When your engine is purring like this you can relax and take in the view, enjoying the ride as you go.

For my autistic son this kind of road is his comfort zone. On this road he is at his most independent and communicative. He knows where he is; its safe, familiar and predictable. He needs nothing more from me than simply just knowing I am there in the background should he need me. Like a roadside assistance card in his back pocket. He knows I’m there to fall back on.

Now imagine that you didn’t sleep well at all last night and you’ve been awake for hours worrying about something, so your engine is running a little sluggish today. The road has become harder to manoeuvre and see your way past any obstacles. The bright sun could be dazzling your vision or the traffic may be building up around you, and you can’t see your way through. Your engine begins to overheat and you need help.

When this happens for my son it becomes harder for him to be independent. His vital functions start to slip, and his ability to communicate steams away from him. His engine overheats and the alarms set off telling me there is an unseen problem occurring. My role as his parent then becomes like the recovery truck that restarts his engine. I patch him up and follow him home to make sure he arrives safely. Or I become the on board Sat-nav that talks him through the busy city centre in a calm voice to get him home in one piece.

Finally imagine yourself speeding along an unknown road as you get faster and faster and your brakes won’t work. ...you can’t stop yourself...you’re no longer in control of what’s happening to you or your engine, and panic sets in. You feel like you could go over the edge of the cliff at any moment. Or your engine becomes so overheated that you can’t carry on anymore, you’re at crisis point and all functions shut down.

For my son this is where I become the emergency services that recover him and get him to safety. My tool kit of love, instinct, and resources enables him to scramble to safety and begin to recover. I carry him home and protect him from the glares of ignorance from rubberneckers that pave the way on this road. I forward think, and helicopter around him ready for the explosion that could come at any second. On high alert (just in case) at all times, my adrenalin is pumping and I can feel his pain as if it were my own.

This is our daily life. The road that my son is on from minute to minute dictates how his engine will cope. The environment is the single biggest factor that controls his ability to function in our neuro-typical world. He has good days and bad days, and so I float in between being the recovery contact card in his back pocket to being his blue flashing lights of recovery from hour to hour and day to day.

But sometimes as a family we step out of our comfort zone for more than a few hours - like we did this week on our family holiday.

A week on an unknown, unpredictable and bumpy road.

So this meant that my son’s engine was on overdrive for not a few moments, hours or even days. But for a whole week. His little engine was working really hard every second of the day to cope with every new smell, sound and sight he faced. He coped so well with it all but as a result I was on call should he need me (on high alert) 24, 7.

Unlike when we are at home and he is in his comfort zone, on holiday I didn’t have time to build up my energy and recoup myself. So by day 5 of the holiday both my son and I were tired.

Tired of being on high alert all the time.

I became aware that I was becoming snappy with him, and finding myself wanting to withdraw more and more. I got cross with myself for feeling like I needed a break. But simply put, I needed some roadside recovery myself. My own engine was running low and I needed a top up too.

You see being a parent to a child with additional needs involves constantly weighing up how far to stretch his comfort zones whilst at the same time making sure all my children are happy and loved for who they are. I spend a large portion of my time firefighting potential triggers that may arise and I question myself everyday to make sure I put all their best interests first.  I try to make sure I never push my son too far, but just far enough to stretch his experiences of the big wide world enough to enable him to be as independent as possible as he is growing up.

And I suppose its only natural that all this forward thinking will take its toll on me mentally. I realised that this is why I had become snappy. I had reached my limit and needed a break. Just for a couple of hours to refuel the tank and get back on track myself. I mean how can the roadside recovery help if its own engine is burnt out?

So just as I recognise and meet my son’s needs day to day, I too need to learn to recognise my own engine a little better too, and do something about it before I overheat.

So my advice to fellow parents is this...find something that can be your roadside assistance card.

Whether it’s a coffee break, a TV programme you can escape into, or family member that can babysit while you have a bath in peace.

We all need a little help sometimes.

We’re all human and the bumpy roads we all find ourselves on can take its toll - if we don’t take the time to have our own recovery procedures in place every now and again.

The Meltdown

The Meltdown

My boy

My beautiful boy

The days been hard

The world is too much sometimes

I can see the fog creeping over your body

Don’t let it take you

Stay here with me, let me make it better

But deep down I know this has to happen

It has to come out somehow

You're saturated

I’m your mum and I am here to help you through it

But my instincts are all wrong

Because every nerve in my body is telling me to scoop you up

My beautiful boy I need to make it better

I am helpless

My heart breaks to see you like this

I’m losing you to the fog, to the meltdown

It’s engulfing you, swallowing you like a predator

You’re gasping for air

Panic and rage soon follows

Breathe, remember to breathe my boy

I don’t know what to, what should I do?

I feel like I make things worse

My touch is painful to you, you pull away

What’s wrong, what can I do?

You can’t hear me

Heartbeats faster

I see my panic reflected in your eyes

My boy is so frightened

You lash out, I take the hit

Doors slam, chairs fly, I need to keep us safe until this passes

Seconds feel like hours

Slowly the fog subsides

and you become quiet

You rock slowly to calm yourself

Then slide down the wall in a heap

Your body unwinds and sighs

I hold my breath, and wait wrapping my arms around myself for comfort

Feelings of calm creep back in

My knees give way, I crawl towards you

Reaching out I gently touch your hand

You close your eyes

My love overflows

It’s OK my angel, you’re OK now

I love you
We're going to be OK

Mum xx