Monday 21 September 2020

Learning to let her go

Why hello there folks! Long-time no see. It’s been well over 18 months since I last did an update. How the heck are you all, surviving, I hope? Well, we just have to don't we!  

I’m not even sure if I still even have people out there interested anymore in anything I have to say, but I have been thinking for a while now that I was feeling the urge to get back to blogging once again. 

It’s been a bonkers time for all of us, and for me writing had always been a bit of an outlet for my inner crazy. But as my son grew older, I became acutely away that our stories were so intertwined that I didn’t want to inadvertently over share what was essentially his private moments too for all the world to see, without his permission as he got older. So, I kept my crazy within. 

Plus, I was pretty ill for quite a while and had lots of ops last year. So, it all just got pushed to the back of my mind and life took over. I couldn’t even remember how to access my blog page I had neglected it so much. 

But my son (so is now not so little...he’s 16!) asked me last week why I wasn’t writing anymore as he flicked through my book that he had found on the shelf, and when I explained my reasons, he kinda looked at me puzzled and said, “well that’s daft, I don’t mind mum you should write if It helped people.” 
Next thing I knew he tidied up my neglected blog page and announced that it was ready again. Just like that. 

So that was it, and here I am at half 4 in the am... this seems to be the time my body likes to wake me up and implant nonsense in my head so I can’t get back to sleep!

And I thought well why not? Maybe no one will read it anymore anyway. But the process of getting my thoughts down on paper really helped me in the past so, why not? Here I am. 

However, after that long intro tonight, while I lay here to the hum of my husband's breathing (well snoring) it's not my son playing on my mind in these ungodly hours of the day... it’s my daughter. 

You see off to uni in less than 48 hours, she’s the first one of my babies to leave home, and I’m menopausal! Oh, and there’s that small matter of us being in the middle of a global pandemic.
Enough said! 

I had no preconceived ideas of how I was gonna feel as the time approached when I had to send my baby off into the world and learn to let her go. Everyone says it a sign that you have done your job as a parent well. Raised a happy, healthy child who is now ready to go off into the world to find her own life. 

And I get all that, I feel such immense pride. She is going to love every second of it, and if she doesn’t, I will always be here for her. I tell myself this fact on a loop every day to calm my nerves. Because I can’t stop these internal pangs that I have no control of from bubbling to the surface. 

The IKEA shop has been done, later today we tackle her food and toiletries shop and tonight she wants a hot bath and a takeaway. All the practicalities are in place. I am counting down the hours ‘til I have to drop her off and walk away with a sense of overwhelming love and excitement and sheer bloody dread as I know I will blubber like a loon. 

I will miss her so very much. I can already feel the ache of not having her around. These last few years I have had to adjust to the sleepless late nights worrying where she was, cope as her friends rightly became the centre of her world, and her needing me less and less. It takes some practice, and I didn’t always get it right. But I can’t believe how quickly the time has gone.
We drop our kids off on the first day of school with no notion of how fast this day will come around. Those first day feelings of anxiety and pride never truly go away, in fact they amplify even louder at times like these. My children are not mine to keep and protect by my side forever. The time has come. 

I have to learn to let her go. 

I will cry, I have cried. But I know I will adjust. She is so ready to live her own life now and for that I am so grateful. Grateful that she is able to leave me, as hard as that may be for me. Because the truth is my son may never be able to do that. 

But today I can’t let my mind go to that place. Each and every one of my children have so much to offer the world in their own different ways and I am trying to learn to embrace the challenges that come as my children become adults with their own lives and futures ahead of them, whatever that maybe I will be here on the sidelines cheering them on. 

And for my daughter that means leaving home and heading off to uni to a world full of adventures. 

If you’re kids are little, hug them, because believe me this day has come around so quickly that I am struggling to catch up. I wish I could pause time, but I can’t. This has to happen, and I have to wave her off to live her own life. 

Pride, love, anxiety, hope, joy, excitement, worry and sadness. These words don’t even begin to cover the range of emotions I feel right now. But we can’t stop time, tomorrow will always come no matter what. Sitting here worrying isn’t gonna help me keep her little. She will always need me I know that. I need my own mum and I’m in my 40s. 

So now I need to try and sleep. We have a busy few days ahead. Maybe now I have that off my chest I can. We will see.

It is nice to be back folks, even if it’s 4 in the morning! I’ll be back soon I promise (once the blubbering has stopped) 
Mrs M xxx