Learning to let her go

Why hello there folks! Long-time no see. It’s been well over 18 months since I last did an update. How the heck are you all, surviving, I hope? Well, we just have to don't we!  

I’m not even sure if I still even have people out there interested anymore in anything I have to say, but I have been thinking for a while now that I was feeling the urge to get back to blogging once again. 

It’s been a bonkers time for all of us, and for me writing had always been a bit of an outlet for my inner crazy. But as my son grew older, I became acutely away that our stories were so intertwined that I didn’t want to inadvertently over share what was essentially his private moments too for all the world to see, without his permission as he got older. So, I kept my crazy within. 

Plus, I was pretty ill for quite a while and had lots of ops last year. So, it all just got pushed to the back of my mind and life took over. I couldn’t even remember how to access my blog page I had neglected it so much. 

But my son (so is now not so little...he’s 16!) asked me last week why I wasn’t writing anymore as he flicked through my book that he had found on the shelf, and when I explained my reasons, he kinda looked at me puzzled and said, “well that’s daft, I don’t mind mum you should write if It helped people.” 

Next thing I knew he tidied up my neglected blog page and announced that it was ready again. Just like that. 

So that was it, and here I am at half 4 in the am... this seems to be the time my body likes to wake me up and implant nonsense in my head so I can’t get back to sleep!

And I thought well why not? Maybe no one will read it anymore anyway. But the process of getting my thoughts down on paper really helped me in the past so, why not? Here I am. 

However, after that long intro tonight, while I lay here to the hum of my husband's breathing (well snoring) it's not my son playing on my mind in these ungodly hours of the day... it’s my daughter. 

You see off to uni in less than 48 hours, she’s the first one of my babies to leave home, and I’m menopausal! Oh, and there’s that small matter of us being in the middle of a global pandemic.

Enough said! 

I had no preconceived ideas of how I was gonna feel as the time approached when I had to send my baby off into the world and learn to let her go. Everyone says it a sign that you have done your job as a parent well. Raised a happy, healthy child who is now ready to go off into the world to find her own life. 

And I get all that, I feel such immense pride. She is going to love every second of it, and if she doesn’t, I will always be here for her. I tell myself this fact on a loop every day to calm my nerves. Because I can’t stop these internal pangs that I have no control of from bubbling to the surface. 

The IKEA shop has been done, later today we tackle her food and toiletries shop and tonight she wants a hot bath and a takeaway. All the practicalities are in place. I am counting down the hours ‘til I have to drop her off and walk away with a sense of overwhelming love and excitement and sheer bloody dread as I know I will blubber like a loon. 

I will miss her so very much. I can already feel the ache of not having her around. These last few years I have had to adjust to the sleepless late nights worrying where she was, cope as her friends rightly became the centre of her world, and her needing me less and less. It takes some practice, and I didn’t always get it right. But I can’t believe how quickly the time has gone. 

We drop our kids off on the first day of school with no notion of how fast this day will come around. Those first day feelings of anxiety and pride never truly go away, in fact they amplify even louder at times like these. My children are not mine to keep and protect by my side forever. The time has come. 

I have to learn to let her go. 

I will cry, I have cried. But I know I will adjust. She is so ready to live her own life now and for that I am so grateful. Grateful that she is able to leave me, as hard as that may be for me. Because the truth is my son may never be able to do that. 

But today I can’t let my mind go to that place. Each and every one of my children have so much to offer the world in their own different ways and I am trying to learn to embrace the challenges that come as my children become adults with their own lives and futures ahead of them, whatever that maybe I will be here on the sidelines cheering them on. 

And for my daughter that means leaving home and heading off to uni to a world full of adventures. 

If you’re kids are little, hug them, because believe me this day has come around so quickly that I am struggling to catch up. I wish I could pause time, but I can’t. This has to happen, and I have to wave her off to live her own life. 

Pride, love, anxiety, hope, joy, excitement, worry and sadness. These words don’t even begin to cover the range of emotions I feel right now. But we can’t stop time, tomorrow will always come no matter what. Sitting here worrying isn’t gonna help me keep her little. She will always need me I know that. I need my own mum and I’m in my 40s. 

So now I need to try and sleep. We have a busy few days ahead. Maybe now I have that off my chest I can. We will see.

It is nice to be back folks, even if it’s 4 in the morning! I’ll be back soon I promise (once the blubbering has stopped) 

Mrs M xxx 

The Meltdown

The Meltdown

My boy

My beautiful boy

The days been hard

The world is too much sometimes

I can see the fog creeping over your body

Don’t let it take you

Stay here with me, let me make it better

But deep down I know this has to happen

It has to come out somehow

You're saturated

I’m your mum and I am here to help you through it

But my instincts are all wrong

Because every nerve in my body is telling me to scoop you up

My beautiful boy I need to make it better

I am helpless

My heart breaks to see you like this

I’m losing you to the fog, to the meltdown

It’s engulfing you, swallowing you like a predator

You’re gasping for air

Panic and rage soon follows

Breathe, remember to breathe my boy

I don’t know what to, what should I do?

I feel like I make things worse

My touch is painful to you, you pull away

What’s wrong, what can I do?

You can’t hear me

Heartbeats faster

I see my panic reflected in your eyes

My boy is so frightened

You lash out, I take the hit

Doors slam, chairs fly, I need to keep us safe until this passes

Seconds feel like hours

Slowly the fog subsides

and you become quiet

You rock slowly to calm yourself

Then slide down the wall in a heap

Your body unwinds and sighs

I hold my breath, and wait wrapping my arms around myself for comfort

Feelings of calm creep back in

My knees give way, I crawl towards you

Reaching out I gently touch your hand

You close your eyes

My love overflows

It’s OK my angel, you’re OK now

I love you
We're going to be OK

Mum xx

Confessions of an Autism mum

Most of you reading this already know quite a lot about me by now as I have a tendency to get it all out there for the world to see!

So I thought it was about time I was completely honest with you, and shared my.....
 'Confessions of being an Autism mum' 

How many of these can you relate to?

•  I hide in the toilet for 5 minutes peace, I can usually manage a few minutes before I get busted as they've all got wise to me now, so think I'm gonna have to find a  new spot (maybe the hubby's man shed?)

• Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I suddenly remember  that I've left the blumin washing outside on the line... hmm what to do... get out of bed to bring it in.... nah it can wait 'til morning

• On particularly challenging days my old faithful friend the bottle of dry shampoo comes out. I just dont have time to wash my hair so a quick spray and I'm good to go for another few hours, and on really busy days it's a woolly hat all the way for my head! 

• Sometimes when I can't face the world, I am exhausted, or just cant process anything else, I make excuses to get out of things. Being a mum to an Autistic child means I'm on high alert ALL of the time ......so sometimes my battery feels a bit  ...well....flat.. I haven't even got the energy to explain all that to you half the time just, so I say I have a headache 'cos its easier. (please forgive me dear friends)
  

• Cold coffee is my constant companion, several cups are consumed to keep energy levels up..  I would probably go into panic mode if I actually sipped a hot cup as I have forgotten what hot coffee tastes like nowadays 

• When I have forgotten to wash the uniform a good old wet wipe rub down will do ! 

• I have eaten a whole tube of pringles for my tea collapsed on the sofa infront of the soaps

• I very rarely answer my home phone as I just cant chat. I am usually too busy making three dinner choices, chasing the puppy who has stolen my slipper or acting as referee to three kids intent on starting WW3. (If its someone important they know to text me I say)

• Shower time is an event I have to psych myself up for (not my own obviously .. I mean that would be silly....for my son of course !!). So its towels on the floor at the ready as Noah himself would suggest we build an Ark. We have floods of epic proportions at shower time...oh and we mustn't forget the streaking giggling nakedness we have in abundance too, as he runs around the house shouting "dont look at my personal parts."

• Doing the weekly shop for me is a break... I savour the solitude and keep my head down in case I bump into someone I know over the frozen peas. But then my silence is halted as my phone beeps and I know my times up .....
  

• Sometimes if I sit down... well...... I fall asleep when watching catch up TV in the afternoon (but dont tell my husband as I prod him all the time for nodding off during Downton)

• I often embarrass my son by walking him out to his taxi for school in my 'Elf' pyjamas if it's been a manic morning! (Then I run in quick hoping the neighbours didn't spot me and my son cringes as he waves goodbye) 

• We may have messed about with the clocks once upon a time....well anything for an extra hour  in bed!!

• SHHH. .don't tell anyone but those cakes I sent in for cake sale day at school were shop bought ..( I think I got away with it by putting it in a cake tin ) 

• Such a sad time for the family was when our pet rabbit died while we were away on holiday, so nanna was instructed to but a replica rabbit and switch it MI5 stylie before we arrived home. Of course he spotted it straight away ! 
  

• I love my slippers. Given the choice I would wear them on a night out. Pah.. whats a night out anyway?! Heels are out, slippers are in that's my motto. Oh and they must have good grippy soles 'cos you never know when your gonna need to jump up off the sofa to rescue a child stuck in a sleeping bag. Or intercept a cushion that's heading towards the cold coffee on the table... and trust me skidding across the floor at my age isn't a pretty sight to behold let me tell you! (I have even been known to collect my daughter from school in my slippers when in a rush ....I waited in the car for her of course)

• And finally and hardest to admit I  am secretly envious of other mums Facebook pages. Ahhh I know I shouldn't be and often its just a fleeting thought.. ...but sometimes I look at pictures of lovely perfect days out and all the blumin smiling happy faces and deep down secretly wish that was us.

But then my son brings me back to the room, and makes me smile by simply being him and sliding accross the floor like a slug in his sleeping bag chasing the dog....and I feel guilty for feeling like that.

 Because I love him to the moon and back. My confessions don't make a bad mum , I'm just human you see and nobody's perfect ...especially me ! 

                                                                                Mrs M x 

Welcome to a Slice of Autism

After years of contemplating doing this I have finally decided to give this blog thing a go as way of celebrating our lives and making some sense of it all, also for anyone that's interested in hearing more about my crazy life or hearing what its like for families like ours I hope it will be of some insight.

So a little bit about me to start......Well I have three fabulous kids and a sports mad husband (a passion that sadly I don't share). Our son was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism last year after a 4 year waiting list! Despite the shock, the overriding emotion we felt was that of relief as we actually had an explanation for our slightly dysfunctional family...anyway I will save that for another day!

Through life's ups and downs I have struggled to find my own way to deal with the wonderful insanity that Autism throws my way, and I still do to be honest. But a couple of years ago I discovered a love for baking of all things. And now when I am whippin' up a Victoria sponge my mind begins to drift away to another world of eggs and flour, icing sugar and chopped nuts..... and away for IEP's and schedules, routines and melatonin (if only for 20 minutes while my cake is rising in the oven!!)

So this little 'ere blog.... I hope will reflect my life, even just a little slice of it, warts and all as its not always a successful story, sometimes I sink in the middle, or rise to quickly and can explode in the heat of it all. But I pick myself up eventually and with patience I have another go, and sometimes ...just sometimes  it turns out blumin amazing! .......