Tuesday 22 September 2015

'Normal' service resumes

So it’s currently 2 am as I write this, I’ve tiptoed downstairs so as not to wake anybody (especially little man as that would not be pretty at 2 in the morning let me tell you!) The dogs are looking at me like with slightly confused sleepy faces,because I am sat scribbling my blog ideas in a notebook whilst eating hot buttered  toast.

Tonight I can’t sleep.

I must be mad, as I have to be up and fresh as a daisy (well .....Maybe more as fresh as a semi functioning human being) for the school run in just a few hours. But my brain is on overdrive!
I am very much aware of the fact that my last few blogs have been,well to say the least bloody depressing. Go on you know they have!! And let’s be honest you probably have enough depressing crap going on in your own lives I am sure, without reading all about mine.

But if I stop and think about it for a minute, it’s no wonder really. I have been put on meds as I am suffering from depression. So I suppose the nature of my writing naturally reflected that. I am now beginning to feel more human each day I as wake up (I was never a fan of the Zombie look at the best of times, and neither was my husband really if he was honest!) But I have learned a few important things about myself during these last few months .....

These blogs I started as a way to share stories about my amazing son. But my last few blogs have barely even touched on him. Subconsciously my focus shifted from him to me. It was my pity party and you were all invited. I think it needed to be though if I am honest. Us mums spend so much of our energy and focus on our kids, looking after everyone else that we forget about to look after ourselves in the process don’t we? Sometimes, just sometimes (for instance when having a teeny tiny mental breakdown) we need to focus on us. And if that means having my very own pity party for one..... Then so be it!

So I learned that I needed to focus on me, cos I felt so crap. I needed to get better... simple!

Does that make me a bad mother? No I don’t believe it does. Day to day life continued just with a less ‘in the room mum’ I did what I had to do to fill up my tank, to get better and to move on because I am a mum.  A mum to three wonderful kids that need me fighting their corner.

Secondly I think it’s also highlighted that I really don’t sugar coat anything. You can be assured when I say warts and all...I really mean warts and all!

I don’t lie or fill my blogs up with made up stories of sparkles and fairy-tales, candyfloss and loveliness. But neither do I want to write horror stories that do nothing to raise awareness and understanding. I am honest. It’s scary sometimes being as honest as I am. 
But if I am gonna do this I am gonna do this properly.

But c’mon I’ve gotta be a bit bonkers too haven’t I?? 
That’s the other thing I have learned. I mean I shared my flippin’ depression diary with the whole world of social media to see. What sane uptight British person does that? I now have to walk around Tesco and face people smiling, whilst thinking to myself, “oh cringe ... did she really read my confessions of finding being a mum hard!”

But finally and most importantly for me, I think I have discovered a love for writing. Its what I love to do.I have sat here for hours and hours drafting loads of blogs tonight whilst scoffing my toast. (All with a slightly less ‘pity party’ theme I promise) Re-shifting the focus back to my son because I feel as though ‘normal’ service is resuming..... Well whatever normal means?

‘Normal’ is unique to who you are, who I am, who my son is. ‘Normal’ is whatever makes us tick. ‘Normal’ is whatever you love to do, whatever you enjoy and whatever helps us get through the day.
So keep being your version of normal. I intend to, I will keep writing my blogs; bonkers, honest, warty and all.

I also promise to walk around Tesco with my head held high, regardless of what I share on here ... cos I am my version of 'normal'. My wonderfully crazy little family needs me and loves me, as much as I do them. 
And for that I am thankful! 

Mrs M x 

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