You know when you wake up in the morning and just lay there with a blank fuzzy mind? Those few dreamlike seconds before you really properly realise your awake, and your brain hasn't quite switched the on button on yet. That kind of..... Where am I feeling?
Or you know that sensation when you wake up thinking its Sunday, and roll over to doze back off pulling the duvet tight over your head; only to start getting that sinking feeling as you realise it’s not Sunday at all, its bloody Wednesday! And you have to heave your backside out of bed.
Well that's what happened to me this morning. For a few brief seconds, I lay there half awake, half asleep and I could have been anybody I wanted, with a fabulous day of doing whatever the heck I chose ahead of me.... But then the sleep fog slowly started to clear and I began to wake up. The day’s routine and chores etched in my brain. I began to stir and sit up. Ugghhh I thought... for one day I would love to wake up and think "let’s go with the flow today". Or "I really don't care what we have timetabled....I have a stonker of a headache so I wanna stay in my warm comfy bed... I'm not moving..... I need a sick day"
But no, of course because I'm a mum.... as ever I got up as started the day as planned.
I don't think this feeling is even an exclusive Autism mum feeling is it?... I mean I reckon if we all admit it deep down as much as we love our kids...just once in a blue moon we want off! Just for a day, or a few hours, or even a bath in peace would be nice.
You see those that know me well will know I am kind of a fly by the seat of your pants type girl. I thrive off pressure, and tend to make things up as I go along..... And I quite like to see where the day takes me.
Well all that changed when the kids came along, as it should. But then my son took that to a whole new level and I could no longer be that person. Because rightly so he needs his day, week, month, etc all planned in advance.
This I find hard!
Not the planning of it all; to be honest that the easy bit, but it’s the blumin sticking to it that's the hard part. Cos as we all know life is chaotic and things change. But it’s my job to buffer those changes for him and keep his day as predictable and consistent as possible, or chaos and meltdowns ensue.
But it kind of feels like a trap sometimes. It traps me into his routine too. You know what I don’t wanna sit here moaning, cos most of the time I am absolutely fine with it all. But this morning after I had heaved myself out of bed to start the day, over coffee my husband made the fatal mistake of saying to me that he was considering going to a local beer festival tonight; as he knew some people that were going, and would I like to go?..
Would I like to go?
Yeah of course I would like to go husband.... but can I go... no I flippin can’t! Poor man really didn't deserve that response. But It’s not like we can get a sitter at such short notice. And even if we did I knew I would spend the whole night clock watching as I needed to back for 10pm for his bedtime routine. Heck we only had out annual night away a few weeks ago there is no way I am gonna get away with a spontaneous night out so soon!
In preparation for the summer holidays I had spent most of last week catching up with friends over coffee during school hours, cos for the next 6 weeks I'm pretty much unavailable. My life has to be centred on my son and keeping his routine stable for his sake, and his sisters too so we can get through the 6 weeks holidays in one piece. I don't have the luxury of seeing my mates and colleagues at work to keep me sane.
Maybe that’s why I was so sensitive when my husband suggested a spontaneous night out this morning. But isn’t it what normal people do, you know be spontaneous? And it’s not his fault I suppose.... he’s just being a typical bloke. It’s not natural for me to be tied down like I am, and I suppose it just gets to me sometimes. Especially when my husband’s suggests something I know isn’t realistic and can never happen for me.
So anyway I calmed down after another coffee and we decided he should go have fun, so he’s gone off for a night of drinking a load of beer in a field while I ‘stick to the routine’ as usual!! And having put the kids to bed I am sat here writing this blog in peace. To be honest after all my sulking I actually ended up having a lovely night with the kids stuffing my face with pizza, and watching Harry Potter for the hundredth time. And I hope my husband has a good night too. Its important to have fun and see friends. (I know that...... I'm just jealous of his ability to be spontaneous that's all )
And you know what I’ll be the one waking up tomorrow, realising its Sunday and rolling over for an extra 10 minutes in bed with a smile on my face ready to face the timetabled routine day ahead... And I suspect my husband’s spontaneous antics of this evening will mean he wakes up with a VERY foggy head tomorrow, crying out for a sick day while we drag him round the animal farm as per timetable dictates!
So who’s the winner and who’s the loser here ... I’ll let you decide that one!
Mrs M x
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