Wednesday 22 July 2015

M is for meltdown

M is for Meltdown.....

“Mrs M... this is a hard one... meltdowns, for him and you! Believe me you will both have them”       I wrote that a few weeks in one of my blogs, and little did I know that a couple of weeks later it would be so very timely....For me that is!

For my son a meltdown is just something he has to get used to. It’s all part of his condition. And he tends to have them when he is overwhelmed by a situation or a place. He panics, and tries to run away, or lashes out if he feels trapped.  But thankfully he hasn’t had a full on meltdown for some time now as he’s in a really good place at the moment.

 So it’s ironic really that as my son is doing so well, and is so happy and settled , that I’m the one to lose it!! Like any good mummy meltdown it took me by surprise. Well there were warning signals I suppose; you know the usual, months and months of suppressing stress, putting everyone else first, running around like a lunatic to get organised for the summer holidays, Camhs appointments, review meetings, stressing about the state of the house, and then finally boom!

 I’m gone.

There were tears, a face book rant, snot, more tears, more snot, a really puffy face and bloodshot eyes, (not an attractive scene!) Once I started, the floodgates were well and truly opened and I couldn’t blumin stop. My husband was sympathetic and kind and then that set me off again! My amazing friends, and family rallied round and that set me off too!

The days leading up to the tears and snot had been a particularly tricky few days for one reason or another , but as I sit here reflecting on it all I am still surprised at how upset I became. It seems that I am even good at hiding my true emotions from myself.

I had sat at the Year 6 leavers assembly the previous day of a class that I have worked with since reception, and the feelings I had whilst I sat there took me completely by surprise. I hate to admit it but I was jealous of all the other parents with their cameras aimed at their happy smiling kids. You see my son had been part of this same class since Nursery before he moved in year 2. These were kids I had assumed my son would be friends for life with. I had so many hopes and ambitions for my little man when he was back in Nursery and I was blissfully unaware of the roller-coaster ride we were about to embark on.

I don’t want you to read this and think I am not proud of my son, I am more proud of him than  you’ll ever know, because he has to overcome so much just to get through each day. It just finally REALLY struck me that we are on a very different path than the one I had mapped out in my head all those years ago when he was so little

It’s quite something to get your head around and I obviously wasn’t ready for the fallout of this reality. Hence the snot and tears!!
I have needed several painkillers today to numb the after effects of the post meltdown headache I’ve been  left with today, and I have thought  to myself what makes me want to share these  very personal feelings with people I barely know ?

It’s kind of a therapy I suppose. You see I have always had a habit of bottling up my true feelings, even from those closest to me. But I have discovered that writing it down kinda helps me get my head around what I am feeling.  And I could sit here and write about all the wonderful things that happen in my life cos believe me there are many stories I could share and I will one day. But it’s so much more complex than that. I have dark days. That’s perfectly normal. It’s doesn’t mean I am failing as a mother, or on the verge of a breakdown.  Being a parent of an Autistic child, and all that involves is challenging on so many different levels that even I struggle to take it all in, and deny certain feelings I have just to keep things ticking along.

And if me writing about snapshots of my life for people to read helps give a little insight into how being me feels , and reassure others feeling the same that it’s OK to feel like that, then that can’t be a bad thing. So I will keep writing about the good, the bad and the darn right ugly as I come to terms with what’s happening. And I promise that no matter how much snot and tears are involved I will always be honest and truthful with you..... meltdowns and all !

Mrs M x