"It feels as
though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly
knotted to you in a similar fashion."
I don’t know about
you but I have always been a sucker for a good old bit of escapism into
Jane Eyre's world of period costumes and romantic drama. And without
fail that line always leaps off the page right at me every time I
read it. That magical connection between two people that needs no words. No
explanation or thought. It exists...... just because!
This is how I feel
about my children. They're my world and I am connected to them
through invisible bonds. You see they will always be part of who I
am, it’s instinct, and I just feel it.... like string connecting our hearts
together.
I feel their pain; I
share their joys and laughter. I worry when they worry. When they cried as
babies I knew what they wanted. When they stir in the night I am there to soothe
them. When they need care and love I am there. No words are ever needed,
because I’m their mum.
I have close relationships
with each of my three, and my girls are growing up to be wonderful young
ladies. I can see their independence developing, and their
personalities blossoming, as bit by bit I slowly have to loosen the string
that connects us. They have their own minds, and ideas, and they will
leave me one day to live their own lives with their families. That bond will
always be there but I will have to let it stretch some more to let them go when
the time is right.
My relationship with
my Autistic son feels somehow different. Our strings are still connected as
tight as ever, if not tighter. Maybe it’s because he can't always express
himself, or because people find it hard to understand him.
Perhaps it’s because I am so fine tuned after 11 years of being his safe place.
But I just know that I get him.... because I'm his mum! We are
interlinked. He trusts me, and relies on me to get through his day and that
leads to something wonderful and unique as a mother. Yes things are tough but
there is so much to be thankful for too. When things are good, they are
amazingly good, but as ever life has a habit of throwing little obstacles in
our way, like this week for example....
Rather inconveniently
I developed a painful mouth abscess on the nerve of my tooth (that I really
could have done without). But as a result I had become shattered on the
medication, and had to keep sneaking off to my room as a way of coping with
the pain. It hurt to talk, and move my head, and you could say I was feeling
pretty sorry for myself. I am ashamed to admit my kids ate take away on a
school night, and ready meals that pinged in the microwave! My floor didn’t see
a hoover for 3 days... and well my hair didn’t see shampoo for 3 days either if
I’m honest!!
As the days passed
and the routine of home disintegrated, I could feel my son’s anxiety ramping up
as a result. He was stressed and worried about me but just
couldn't express it. I had become distant because of the pain, his routine
was out of sync and I was being a rubbish mum.
After a particularly
manic half hour, in which I was close to losing the will to live, whilst trying
to get him to take a shower, my son (who bear in mind has Autism and struggles
to express himself) floored me with this comment.....
"Mum I feel your distress like a whale call"
It hit me......Just like I feel his worries
and pain, he feels mine. He couldn't explain that it
was making him anxious, or defiant he just knew he could
feel it. He could feel something wasn't right. Like a whale
calls out to her mum in the ocean. It’s just his instinct.
I realised that just
because he is Autistic, and he can’t always articulate how he feels, that doesn't mean
he isn't feeling it. In fact if anything I think his Autism amplifies
his feelings all the more.
My girls, yeah they
gave tea and sympathy. But my son...he felt it. He felt a knot in the
string that connects us, no words or explanation needed... he
just felt my distance and it confused him. His instinct told him something was
out of sync.
There's so much about
Autism we don’t understand, wonders and talents that lie yet undiscovered in
our kids. My son seems to feel the world around him, it’s all amplified. He
smells and touches and sees things that I take for granted. So what that
language doesn’t come naturally to him, because he works on an instinctive
level that I can only glimpse into when I view the world though his eyes.
Children like my son have a lot to teach us about relationships and love. He just
feels it, he doesn’t over analyse and complicate with words, he feels the bond
he has with others and holds on tight... just because!
Mrs M
This was Published by Autism Awareness.com 15/10/15
http://autismawareness.com/unspoken-bonds-by-an-autism-mom/#.VlS4jHbhB1s
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