Thursday 28 May 2015

Mrs M to room number 4 please....

So where to begin I have been pondering......... and I reckon the obvious place for me to start is how I found myself on this bumpy road. Its easy to forget how far we have come I suppose, as I  remember feeling an overwhelming sense that I was doing something wrong when my son hit the toddler stage with his constant tantrums and hyperactivity. I can remember like it was yesterday; the day the poor health visitor sat on my sofa while I wailed at her about being such a rubbish  mum and what was wrong with my child..... what was I doing wrong... why isn't he more like his sisters?! Poor woman must have wondered what the heck to say to me, as I had co -run a parenting course with her several years before as the manager of a nursery she was involved with... I should know what the flipping heck was happening with my own child ... but I didn't have the answers and neither did she I don't think, so she suggested maybe I was depressed!? And I think she was right.

But I plodded on year after year, still exhausted with it all and really not quite knowing why my child was hitting me. He struggled with making friends and anything new just threw him. Time came for him to attend Primary school and he cried and cried every day for the whole year when I left him. It was heart-breaking leaving him so upset each day, I felt such guilt , but then be honest I was glad of the break of being at work and this took my mind off it all .. and so I felt guilt about that too. People around me said he was fine he was just a shy kid,  he would grow out of it,  I should be firmer with him, I should leave him more often, and not pander to him.......I should try stickers and reward charts, trust me I was way beyond stickers at this point!!!

Truth is I tried every bloody parenting strategy out there known to man , you name it I tried it. But I still couldn't quite grasp what was going on,  I just knew it wasn't my imagination, or our bad parenting,  and he wasn't just a naughty demanding child, my gut told me it was more than that! So I became his defender. I was so sensitive to any comment or judgement passed,  as I didn't want him to be labelled as 'that' child. I felt I was the only me who really got him and I exhausted myself in the process I think.

So that led me to booking an appointment with my doctor when he was about five and a half.  I booked the appointment in  a moment of desperation one day, and then though what on earth have I done!? I mean how does that conversation go?...... no one teaches you how to sit and tell your GP you think you need help with your child,  as that would mean actually admitting I was struggling and I couldn't fix it all like the super mum I was trying to be, holding it all together for everyone because thats what mums do don't they?

But I was having an internal battle and went along, and sat there in the reception, feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. I looked around at all the ill people in the room coughing and spluttering, and looked at my son sat playing on his DS,  and I convinced myself we didn't need help, I could cope, I would go in there and make up that he had a cold..... Yeah that's what I would do! Then I glanced up to see my little sister striding into the surgery looking me square in the eyes with that knowing look. She plonked herself down next to me and said " there's no backing out now lady"  I had no choice I knew I had to do it. "Mrs M to Room 4"came over the loud speaker , and  so took a deep breath and in I went while my sister stayed outside the room with him happily oblivious to what was going on around him.

Well I have no idea what on earth I said to her  that day my memory is blank, to be honest, I just remember being a jibbering wreck full of snot and puffy eyes, struggling to catch my breath and well it all bloody came out!!

She didn't laugh, or point the finger at our parenting, she simply sat and listened calmly and patiently, smiling sympathetically and then said to me....... "Well Mrs M things do sound a bit tricky for you all, lets see what we can do to help!". ....... HELP!.......That's where it all started. It needed me to actually admit I needed help, and that was the scariest thing I have ever had to do , its something I still struggle with to this day to be honest but I know that in order to be the best mum I can be for my kids I need help every now and again, we all do x

1 comment:

  1. What a lovely and heartfelt post! It takes a lot of courage to convey your feelings and indeed admit that we all need a little help sometimes. I can't wait to read more about your journey and one day, we really need to get that coffee! x