Wednesday 14 September 2016

'A day in the life' of a bonkers mother

One of my favourite all time songs just came on the radio; ‘A day in the life’ by the Beatles. It’s a song about nothing really, but it literally takes me away to another world. I crank up the volume and immerse myself in the sounds and mystery of all its nonsense for a few brief moments. My body stills as I soak up the sheer brilliance that is the Beatles. All my worries melt away. And then just as my mind begins to follow suit and relax…
It ends abruptly and I am back in the real world.
The real world of being a mum and a world in which my Mind. Never. Shuts. Up.
I don’t know about you, but my mind is always talking to me… all the bloody time. Overthinking and worrying, nagging and stressing. 
So it got me thinking, what would ‘a day in my life' look like?  What if I took notice of what was going on in my head every second of the day? It would be chaotic, bonkers and moderately embarrassing I reckon!
Take this morning for example-

The alarm went off, and my brain hadn’t quite awoken from its slumber yet so all was quiet and still up there for now. That was until my teenage daughter decided that the alarm hadn’t done its job properly, so she would! She achieved this by screaming at the top of her lungs that she had “lost the dry shampoo and she was now late for school.”
Everyone, including the neighbours three doors down, were now awake.
So I heaved myself out of bed still half asleep, found her lost dry shampoo (it was in her room of course) and attempted a tinkle in peace. Before there was a loud knock on the toilet door prompting me to stop hiding in the loo and face the day. "Here we go" I sighed, and this is how the conversation in my brain went...
  • First I hobbled down the stairs avoiding the shoes strategically placed on the bottom step to trip me up on purpose I reckon, and I wandered into the kitchen filling the kitchen sink with hot water to wash last nights dishes (“I must remember to post that letter today or I’ll get charged again, where did I put the stamps?”)
  • Next I filled the kids cereal bowls with chocolate cereal (don't judge me it is all he will eat) and sniffed the milk before pouring it half way accross the table missing the bowl entirely (“It’s gonna be a nice day today, and the bloody lawn looks like a jungle, how are we ever going to afford to replace the broken mower, I’ll have to borrow my mums while she’s on holiday or the neighbours will start to gossip”)
  • I flicked the kettle on to make a brew catching my reflection in the window (“Blimey I look like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards, never mind a lawn mower I need a hairdresser)
  • I let the yapping dogs out narrowly avoiding a slug by the back door ("When am I gonna squeeze in an hour to catch up with Poldark?”)
  • I lay out the kid’s uniform (“Oh crap I think I had the dentist yesterday!”)
  • I made a coffee… and let said coffee go cold (“I am gonna have to phone them up and pretend I was ill or they won’t let me back ‘cos I have already missed two flipping appointments already this year”)
  • Next was the packed lunches with all the same stuff as yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that…you get the idea he likes routine (“Shit, shit, shit I'm going to have to grovel this time!”)
  • Threw some clothes on… anything will do (“Ugghhh, I don’t know what to wear in this weather and I haven’t shaved my legs, so it looks like its black leggings and UGG boots again for me”)
  • Scraped my hair back in a bobble (“So much grey, where’s that dry shampoo again?”)
  • Reminded kids to get dressed (“I need to brush my teeth”)
  • Pick up the wet towels off the floor (“And announce to the thin air as no one is actually listening that YET AGAIN I AM PICKING UP THE WET TOWELS OFF THE FLOOR!”)
  • Put toothpaste on my son’s brush or he won’t brush them (“Bloody hell how is it possible for them to get toothpaste on the blind, oh give me strength and the ceiling?!”)
  • Empty the kitchen bin (“Curse profanities as the bag splits all over the long grass... I won’t repeat what my mind was saying at this point”)
  • Shout upstairs for the kids to get dressed again, then go and wash my hands ( "Aghh I forgot to wash the pots, and my flipping hands stink now”)
  • Shout up the stairs “have you all brushed your teeth” (“Actually, have I brushed mine? (breathes on hand) hmm? I’ve not got time now, shove a mint in and I’ll have to do them later”)
  • See my son off to school in his taxi (“I hope he has a good day, I hope he eats his lunch, I hope he’s not too worried about today’s PE lesson, I wish he would drink his water bottle ….”)
  • Drive my daughter to school, and listen to her fill me in on the latest episode of the Next step, whilst trying not to lose the plot as some idiot cuts me up in the rush hour traffic (“Right, I’ll clean the house, walk the dogs, wash the cushions, nip to the shops and try and squeeze in Poldark after lunch…”)
  • Then I cleaned the house right through (“Whilst wishing it wasn’t so darn hot today, its meant to be bloody autumn already, am I the only one not happy its sunny today, why am I so grumpy …maybe I am going through the early menopause ‘cos I keep having hot sweats and mood swings, maybe I should see a doctor, but no wait … when am I gonna find time to do that, and I'll probably forget the appointment again anyway,look at the bloody state of this room, can no one change a loo roll in this darn house!”)

Now this is where I will stop folks, never mind a day in the life… its already 10.30 am and I have written over 1000 words of nonsense already!

So I won’t go on to tell you all about how I have just sat down to attempt another cup of coffee, only to drop my hobnob in the mug, and then realise 20 minutes had passed by and said coffee is again stone cold, but this time with an addition of a soggy lump of oats congealed in the bottom. Mmmm nice eh!

And how  I have managed to waste those 20 minutes watching two videos on YouTube of dancing grannies 'giving it large' in their kitchens, stalked all my friends on Facebook, liked a picture of a smiling dog, and lost 5 minutes of my life I can never regain by attempting to rig a quiz to tell me 'which book character I am most like'. (I was hoping to come out as Jane Eyre, you know all dark and mysterious… but instead it was proud to tell me that I was in fact closest to Willy Wonka, middle aged and slightly bonkers it is then!)

You see I’m afraid if you were reading this blog hoping for some words of words of wisdom, a deep and meaningful message or a powerful moral tale; well I guess you have noticed by now that this blog contains no such pearls.

In fact, it’s nothing more than nonsense really.

However, for a few brief moments as you have read my ramblings, hopefully your mind has slipped away from reality and realised that maybe the fact that you forget appointments, lose the plot sometimes and feel like a hot mess some days is actually OK…because I do too … it’s what makes us human you see.

Or maybe you have realised that you’re not the only one who’s coffee goes cold, that other mums indeed use dry shampoo and curse as they have to change the loo roll for the 3rd time in a day. You're not alone.

Maybe you will see that it’s OK to escape into Facebook, watch dancing grannies, listen to the Beatles, or even grab 5 minutes at the school gate sat in your car reading this silly blog as you wait for the kids... if that’s what gets us through the craziness that is motherhood.

Because maybe a little nonsense in our daily life is just what the Dr ordered? And after all Willy Wonka himself said; “A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men.” Never a truer word said I reckon (even by Jane Eyre herself.)

Now, I’m off to find a Wonka-bar to dunk in my cold coffee, oh and to make that phonecall to the  dentist...wish me luck!

Yours, as always

Mrs M x

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