So those of you that follow my updates on the Facebook page will know that we have had two pretty tricky weeks away this summer. And we came back a little early from the last one. Cos the honest truth is that I was knackered. My son missed his WiFi and the routine and comfort of home, and we all were on top of each other in the caravan, there was no escape. I was gonna implode if I stayed there much longer.
Don’t get me wrong there were fab moments, and times when we all laughed together and had loads of fun. I suppose it was a week of ups and downs really, but I found it tough, and I was tired.....I will in time reflect on what happened and put things into perspective I’m sure, and laugh as I tell some of ‘the not so funny at the time stories’ (stories that include a shoe being launched at a slow moving car, a poor unsuspecting lady on the street having her bottom shoved from behind, and the epic daily battles of ......Caravan walls Vs The boy in the sleeping bag!!)
But I’m not quite there yet ....just a little fragile at the mo!
Of course when we arrived home he settled back into his little room, he’s happy as Larrry. On the other hand I think I have been left a little shell shocked by the last few weeks and months.
When I sit here and think about it’s been a pretty shitty year really. My son wasn’t coping with mainstream year 6 so needed to go part time and I have home schooled him since Easter. I left my job to become his full time carer. And then there was the long transition and battle with the LEA to get him in the right school which took months. So he was only in his new school for 2 full weeks before we then broke up for the long summer holidays. There’s been no respite from the stress really for months now, so I suppose there’s no wonder I am looking a bit haggard is there?
I looked at myself in the mirror and I almost didn’t recognise the person looking back at me. Grey hair, bags under my eyes, no makeup, and a constant feeling in my tummy. Some of you may know that feeling of anxiety that can creep up on you. Well it’s crept up on me over the last few months and isn’t bloody going anywhere in a hurry! I’ve noticed it making me jittery when driving on the motorway. It’s making me pessimistic and snappy with my hubby over silly things like towels on the floor. And it’s making me dog tired. I recognise it all too well.... I’m not daft I know what it is that’s creeping over me, its my arch nemesis who has visited me many times before..... And I know what I need to do. I will visit the docs next week. Judge me all you like but I’m not ashamed to admit it to anyone. The dreaded D word.....
It shouldn’t be taboo. It’s human, and normal, and shouldn’t be kept behind closed doors.
I know it’s not a sign of weakness. My nerves are rattled due to a long period of stress, and I know I need to do something about it. Not only for my sake but for my kids’ sake too... They need a mum that’s firing on all cylinders.
You see my son lets everyone know when he’s anxious, stressed, or feeling damn right crappy. He gets it all out there and we deal with it and then he moves on. I reckon I could learn a lot from him really.
Cos when I looked in the mirror the other day I did the opposite..... I thought to myself, mask it woman your OK, you have to be... Sort yourself out, pull yourself together!! So I put on my makeup, died my hair and faced the day when all I really wanted to do was stay in my PJ’s and rest my fragile nerves a little, embracing how I was really feeling.
Later the very same day my teenage daughter was messing about with a silly app on her phone. Basically it airbrushes out all your imperfections and makes you look ‘perfect’. She took a photo of me and airbrushed it. She got rid of my bags, my wrinkles, my chubbly cheeks, and my tired looking eyes. She made a ‘perfect’ version of me! But one thing the app couldn’t airbrush out was how I was feeling. That can’t be airbrushed out.
Just like when my son is feeling anxious, or overwhelmed.... We need to deal with it, recognise and embrace how he is feeling and then we do something about it and move on.
So that’s what I am trying to do. I am recognising how I feel instead of trying to airbrush it out. Being a mum is tough. It’s OK to find things hard. I am not going to let it overwhelm me and I am going to do something about it. I may have some PJ days but that’s OK, the odd one or two never harmed anyone!
And if anyone reading this has also been trying to airbrush out their feelings too, then please remember there’s no such thing as perfect. We’re all human, we all need a PJ day every once in a while.
In fact I reckon when my kids are all back at school later this week , (after visiting the docs of course) that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, with no makeup on, eating ice cream , and watching back to back Netflix.
My son has taught me to be me...the un-airbrushed version of me that is !!
Mrs M x
(warts and all)