Now this particular blog is a little embarrassing, and it’s of a personal nature. So stop reading if easily offended, or you know me well and don't want to imagine me in such intimate details as I am about to now describe.
But I promised to always be honest warts and all ;-)
So look away, or read on, the choice is yours....
It relates to that unfortunate phenomenon that only women who have kids and have reached a certain age will relate to. You know the one; the sneezing, laughing, coughing = cross your legs, and needing the loo at the most awkward of times phenomenon. You see it creeps up on you along with grey hairs, comfy knickers and finding yourself all tucked up in bed at 10pm with a nice peppermint tea, and a good word search!! (When did I become my mother?!)
Come on ladies I can’t be alone in this ..can I ?
So anyway, this 'cross my legs' issue is beginning to prove a little more tricky for me than most, due to my son. Let me explain. You see he hates public toilets. He really doesn't like using them and even worse than that he hates ME using them!!!
Well you can see how this poses a problem for me cant you. Whenever we arrive anywhere; cos I know I can’t, I inevitably need to visit the ladies room! And, I reckon he has some kind of sixth sense about it, cos the first thing that comes out of his little mouth whilst looking up at me with his little puppy dog eyes is “You don’t need the loo do you mum?" Of course not son, I dutifully say through gritted teeth, whilst inside my little bladder is screaming.. Erm yes you do woman!!
So I have developed my golden toilet rules for whenever I go out and about with my son (I kid you not!)
1) Absolutely no coffee or tea( of any variety) for at least 2 hours before leaving the house
2) Double layer protection ( you get me don’t you ladies)
3) Subconsciously avoid all taps/ waterfalls/ rivers/ basically anywhere within earshot of running water
4) Think happy thoughts (“ reading a book, sitting on a beach, waves lapping the shore... ahh waves, water....STOP IT brain” )
5) When thirsty I have a chewing gum ( it’s like having a drink with no liquid)
6) Try not to think about the fact that my bladder is going to explode, use SAS like distraction techniques to keep my mind occupied
7) Think some more happy thoughts (“watching tele, eating Chinese food, with a nice long cold G&T.. ahh drink .....STOP IT brain!”)
8) Undo my top button if getting really bad
9) “Right come on son time to go home!” If all of the above has failed, and I just can’t take the pain anymore
10)Drive home thinking happy thoughts (“ I need the loo, I need the loo, I need the loo”), and then run in the house clambering up the stairs to the loo pushing my kids out of the way shouting “me first!!”
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... knock, knock, knock.... “Muuuuuuum!!”
“I’M JUST ON THE LOO CANT YOU GIVE ME A BLOODY MINUTE!!!”
So anyway, this is all good and well. That is, if I remember my own rules.
You see yesterday I broke two of my golden toilet rules. I had a cuppa half an hour before going to the cinema to see ‘Inside Out’ with my son. To make matters worse once there, I was then fooled by the temptation of a deal in which I thought I was getting an amazing bargain on popcorn and a large coke. And it proved too much for my ‘oh I do like a good bargain’ mentality to refuse .......and I drank the bloody lot!!!
Well you can imagine cant you!
There was no escape for nearly 2 hours, cos I couldn’t pull golden rule number 9 out of the bag now could I? We were sat watching a film, and that would have been a one way ticket to meltdown city for sure!
So I sat, and I sat, and I sat, and trust me that drive home yesterday was a long one.
So OK OK... lesson learnt, no more maverick rule breaking for me! I am happy to become my mum; drinking peppermint tea at bedtime and wearing comfy knickers. Cos my mum would never be dazzled by an offer that endangered her bladder and left her wishing she could actually tear her insides out..... Never mind sit watching it trying to remember where it all went so horribly wrong!
( all this talk of bladders ... I'm off to the loo;-) x