For people reading this who have no particular faith, please bear with me a little while. This blog I promised would be an honest reflection of my life. And this is an important part of who I am. None of my family share my Christian beliefs at all. So my faith is a deeply personal experience that's kind of shaped who I have become. And I do honestly believe that its helped me get through the last few years, as I found a sort of peace with my life through my faith. But sometimes, just sometimes I struggle and wobble and feel sorry for myself, like yesterday!
For some reason I found this particular service at church really challenging, and I actually found myself sat quietly sniffling into a tissue and I didn't really know why. It was all about what it really means to be a Christian, and opening our hearts to God. But whilst I sat there, instead of feeling comfort and peace, I felt a pain in my heart right deep down, that I know I often try to push back into the depths where I can pretend it doesn't exist. I have a burning ache that I just cant shift because sometimes its hard to accept my lot in life. Its exhausting accepting the difficulties we face on a daily basis. And its inevitable I suppose that I ask why me? Why my son?
I know some people hold the belief that God only burdens you with what you can cope with, But without offending anyone...... not me .....I don't buy that for a second. I have been rock bottom and felt so overwhelmed at times I cant possibly imagine God is looking at me thinking ... "Ah well maybe just one more meltdown about him getting dressed, yeah that will do, she can cope with that can't she? "
Nah I don't think so!! I don't buy that!
And I also don't believe the ...... "Oh I wouldn't change a thing" positivity that you hear people say. In spite of how much I love him, I wouldn't have chosen this life for my son. I love my kids more than life itself. But would anyone chose a life for their son that is full of such anxiety that they try to cut their hand with scissors as a way of coping with the stress of school at the age of 10. A life where your child feels so confused he lashes out and hits his own mum on a daily basis...... I don't think anyone would chose that life for themselves or their child... would they?
So what's my point? Why was I sat there so upset and feeling sorry for myself when I have such a deep faith and take such comfort in my beliefs? Why can I not just accept it and face each day like a domestic goddess? (Pah!!) But seriously why can I not draw enough comfort from my faith, my friends and my family to cope everyday. I am sitting here thinking about this and you know what I don't have all the answers.......cos I am human. I am not infallible and I hurt deeply. I know I cant make it all better for my son, and take away all his worries and that's hard for me to come to terms with, especially when I think too much about his future.
But then I realise you know what, my son is amazing. He faces huge challenges on a daily basis just to get through the day in a world that he finds confusing. But he doesn't blumin well feel sorry for himself. He isn't upset because he is now in a special school. Or wish he didn't have Autism. Or worry about where he is going to be when he is 22. He is who he is, and he now loves the fact he is with other kids just like him at his new school....... He belongs.
And I love him for that.
You see my son sees the joy in little particles of dust dancing around in a beam of light and calls them his sparkly friends. His face lights up when caring for his pets or having a cuddle with the family dog. He is truly gifted at Minecraft and has created virtual worlds that I couldn't even dream of. Despite all his worries he sees the beauty in the mundane things that pass me by cos I am so busy worrying about how to timetable the days events for him, or making tea for 3 fussy kids, or stressing about the state of my house and when I last managed to hoover.
So I reckon that despite the fact that I don't have all the answers, face uphill battles, and sometimes fail spectacularly. What I really need to do is to let go of what could have been, what mistakes I have made and not be so hard on myself and trust my faith. I need to be more like my son, open my heart and see the joy in what's around me. The little things ... .like the utterly sad excitement I get when hanging out the washing on a sunny day knowing it will be dry in a couple of hours, the smell of rain, and the little sparkly friends dancing through the beam of light at the window on a sunny day.
I have to accept that I'm going to have good days and bad days and cry for no reason sometimes ......because I am woman and I can!! I am not alone in being a mum and finding life a bit sh***y sometimes. But doing this blog has shown me its a good thing to take comfort in knowing that there are others going through the same as me, no matter what our beliefs are, we all face the same issues and challenges.
.......... And when I get chance and the light shines just so, I will make myself stop and smile at tiny little bits of dust sparkles that are dancing around in the air unseen and unnoticed by so many that my son calls his little sparkly friends, and I'll think to myself life ain't so bad after all !