Hi folks
I am sat here thinking what on earth am I going to write
about? I’ve been stuck in a bit of a writing funk I suppose. Not wanting to pick up
the laptop to share with you what's been happening these last few months. But today I have decided to give it a go...
Back in September the dude was too anxious to return to his school
after the long summer break. If I think about it had been coming for a long
time but inevitably when things like this happen it turns everything upside
down.
My life these last few months has completely focussed on
him. He kind of went into what can only be described as an implosion. It was scary,
and all those feelings flooded back to me where I felt out of control and short
of breath, I was constantly nauseous and felt quite alone in all this.
You see we have been on this path before and it didn’t end
well for me.
I ended up becoming ill, once he had recovered. I had held
it together for months and then once I knew he was OK, well, I could hold
on no longer.
But this time things have been different.
Last time I had to give up my job when it happened, this
time I had no job to lose.
Last time I wasn’t looking after myself. I ate all the wrong
foods and had nothing for me. This time I am in a much better place with my
health, I’ve lost weight and I started running a few months ago. So now I can put
my earphones on and leave all the crap behind as I shut the door and get out of
breath and sweaty for half an hour. My brain switches off and just for a brief
moment all that matters is the muddy puddles I am running through and my heart
pounding through my chest as I try and regulate my breathing. I wobble and its not pretty, but I don't care anymore! I do it for me and no one else.
Last time I felt alone, and weak. But this time I have found
some amazing professionals that are helping us to get through this. People who
finally really get my son and are as passionate as me about getting him the
support he deserves. I cannot tell you the difference it makes knowing that
someone has got your back.
Last time he was unable to tell us what was wrong. I had to
unpick his behaviour and be his voice. Sometimes being ignored and often
feeling like his voice held no authority as it was coming from me. And after
all I am just his mum!! But this time the dudes voice is being heard loud and
clear. We are making sure of that. His voice is the most important
at that table, even if he isn’t able to make it to the table, his voice still
needs to be heard. And with the help of some amazing people I am certain that
this will happen this time.
Last time I felt overwhelmed by the task at hand. This time
I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The path is bumpy and long,
but I know if we have done it before, we can definitely do it again!
Last time I was willing to be walked all over. I was a newbie
mum. Uncertain of how much of a battle it all would become. Unprepared for the
judgements and poking around that would happen because of the people who were meant
to be helping us not knowing what to do. So, I felt under the spotlight,
confused about whether or not my gut instincts were wrong, and I was persuaded to
do things that ended up having an adverse effect on my son. This time however I
am stronger. I still find any confrontation challenging, it drains me emotionally
and I am exhausted with it all some days. But I know the system better now. I understand
what I need to do in order to get my son the support he needs. I am less willing
to accept things at face value and recognise the strength in having a team on
your side. I don’t need to do this all on my own this time.
Because my son deserves the best.
My son deserves to be happy.
My son deserves to be supported by people that truly understand the difficulties
that face children like him.
My son deserves future in which he can live as independently
as possible.
So right now, all my energy is focussed
on the goal of getting him better and finding a school that can meet his needs as he faces becoming a young adult with all the complications that brings.
This is where we are at now. This is my life...6 am emails, assessments, meetings, sleepless nights, medication and banging on doors to get answers.
And you guys all deserve to know that if you are going through something
similar, you’re not alone and there is always a light at the end of the
tunnel.
And I promise I will make more of an effort to start sharing my
thoughts again with you.
This time around I will not give in, I will not take no for
an answer, and I will be his voice for as long as he needs me to!
Mrs M x
