A letter to my husband

Dear Mr M, 

So today we celebrated 16 years of marriage and 24 years of being together. It's been a roller coaster adventure of a ride Mr M. With highs and lows, moments of absolute despair, and yet many more times of laughter, joy and happiness.

As I sit here writing this now I can’t help but create a picture in my mind of the two spotty teenagers that met all those years ago, so young and carefree. Back then all we thought about was fun steamy nights, and sneaking around after curfew. Love letters and living in the moment.

You asked me out whilst we were sitting on a bin sharing a bag of soggy chips, and I was smitten! What more could a girl want.

You were older than me and I was so proud to strut around with you on my arm.

We had our whole lives mapped out ahead of us didn't we?

But we quickly learnt that what we had imagined for ourselves and our kids wouldn't come anywhere near to the reality we would face. 

Because now, well now so many things have changed.

Our lives, like so many others parents out there is not one if I'm being completely honest I would have chosen. Autism, Dyslexia, health care plans, doctors’ appointments, social services, suspicions and even judgement of our ability to parent.

Not to mention the countless assessments, tests, and years and years of fighting a system that doesn't understand our son, just to get him the support that he's entitled to.

So let’s face it Mr M, I am anything but young and carefree nowadays. The hair dye and twitching eye are certainly testimony to that. I am no longer that ‘live in the moment’ kind of girl you fell in love with. 

And I would rather sneak into bed for some 'shut eye' if I ever got a child free evening... never mind staying out after curfew!

But who am I kidding anyway. Nights out are a thing of the past. Because if we do manage to escape, it’s usually separately as getting a sitter that can manage our tribe is a rare treat.

And sadly, we no longer stare into each other’s eyes over soggy chips (well I don't miss the soggy chips part it has to be said). Because I am usually cooking three different meals to accommodate the diverse food fads of our kids in this house!

It was heart-breaking in the early days of our marriage watching you reach out to our son to do the usual father son stuff; you know the football, cycling, and sports like all your friends were doing with their sons. To then see the hidden rejection you felt when he had a meltdown pitch side.

I know how hard that was for you to understand him before he had his diagnosis. I could see the pain in your eyes as you felt so helpless to see your little boy so anxious. But as it turns out, our children have taught us so much more than we could have ever imagined.

Then add into equation trying to find time for each other, work and responsibilities, high blood pressure, teenage daughters, lack of sleep,  financial pressures, dogs, cleaning, laundry, home schooling….. I mean c’mon the list goes on. There’s no wonder we are not the same people we once were is there?

I don’t know about you Mr.M, but I no longer desire the world at my feet. I would simply be happy with a hot bath, a good book and 5 minutes peace on the loo every now and again. Now that would be lovely.

But seriously, I want to grow old with you whilst we watch our kids growing up being happy and proud of who they are, not who society tells them to be. Together we are helping our kids to stand up for themselves, love themselves, and hopefully they will leave us one day to fulfil their own potential (or like our son says he will be living in a caravan in our back garden!) Whatever makes them happy. 

Despite the stress ours is chaotic fun mad house. Our kids are happy and loved and I wouldn't have it any other way (most of the time.)

Whether they are Dyslexic, Autistic, or a little ditsy sometimes. They are all unique and amazing because we made them, I mean that's a miracle isn’t it.

We made 3 perfect lives- that’s enough legacy for anyone I'd say.

You see some things just won’t change Mr M. Despite all the crap that has come our way these last 24 years, I still love you with all my heart, and I am more proud than ever to strut around with you on my arm. Because you’re a wonderful father to our kids. I am so proud of the man my teenage first love has become.

So for now, I hope you can settle for an exhausted wife that would rather have an early night and a hot steamy bath, and not that youthful carefree bit of stuff you hooked up with all those years ago?

And like our wedding song says “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?”

Well we're already halfway there Mr M, where have the years gone? 

So as long as you’re not feeding me soggy chips, I’m up for the next 24 years adventures… are you? 

Mrs M x

Summer Holidays Diary Week 5- 'Camhs and the anxiety monster'

( I've lost count of the days so from now on I'm on weeks.....we're currently on Week 5 of summer hols)

So, we were at Camhs yesterday to see someone about my sons increasing anxiety, difficulties around people and general inability to function in the world around him. They asked me what anxiety was preventing him from doing and to be honest it was easier telling them what he could do which is walk the dogs in the woods and visit the field to plane spot)

"Could he go shopping?" .......no
"Can he access Leisure activities?" ....no
"Can he visit the dr?".....no
"Hairdresser?"...no
"Socialise with friends?"....no
"Visit family?"....no
"Eat out?"....no
"Interact with his sisters?".....no
"Access his local community?"...no
"Communicate with others ?"...no

What we didn't talk about too much was what he can do, and he wouldn't get out of the car, then when we did coax him out he hid in the bush at the back of the building!

But in a way though, although these things can often make you come away feeling crappy as its so focused on the negatives .... I think they got to see how anxiety is ruling his every waking minute. Which I needed to make them understand in order to help him, and then hopefully we can get some support in place for us all as a family as its so hard seeing him losing himself to the anxiety monster🙁
Mrs M x

Summer Holidays Diary Day ( 'no blumin idea anymore; CAMHS... more to follow' )

Day ??

Hi folks I've been a little unwell the last few days but today was Camhs, so I dragged my dry shampooed, dosed up on painkillers butt along to the appointment 'cos there was no way I was gonna reschedule that appointment for another day!

Mrs M x

Summer Holidays Diary Day ( lost count now?!?!) ' finding things to do'

Day (lost count now ) 🙈

The days are beginning to blur for me I must admit 😂

We are currently looking after little critters for friends and family on hols so that gives him some focus. Here he is feeding his uncles tortoise ....

Mrs M x

Summer Holidays Diary Day 18- 'Family holidays; our new reality'

Day 18

My hubby is taking ours two teenage daughters away for a few days down to Cornwall with his family, so it's been packing and getting organised for them the last few days! I've also had a stonking hormonal headache which has made me sluggish and tired! Yuck 😨

So today I'm watching my fav Film with my daughter before they head off tomorrow and leave me and my little man for a few days to fend for ourselves!

Separate holidays has become a reality for us this year!
Mixed ...feelings about it all to be honest but I know the girls will have a lovely time with their dad...and it's important that they have some time to chill and enjoy themselves this summer too, so we now do what we need to do regardless of what others may think... That's our reality now! 

Mrs M 💕

Summer holidays Diary Day 16- 'Sleep'

Day 16-

It's 11pm and it's been a pretty full on rainy day here at home, we've had lots of visitors and comings and goings all day but he wouldn't come downstairs while anyone was here.

I've just collapsed into bed with a brew and I'm hoping he sleeps ok tonight!

We're currently waiting to be seen by CAMHS again to assess his melatonin as puberty seems to have affected how well they are now working!

Got another two weeks yet until we get seen though
Mrs M 💤

Summer Holidays Diary Day 14- 'Clothes'

Day 14

My son only has one blue hoodie, one orange ape shirt and one pair of grey joggers that he's comfortable wearing (you will have seen them in each pic I take of him) but as you can imagine it's hard keeping them clean especially in the school holidays when it's all he will wear during the day, and he's also outgrowing them rapidly being 13 and growing taller every day!

So today I made the most of daddy being at home with a hangover  and went shopping with my daughters leaving the boys at home. I went on the hunt for replica/ similar clothes and it's gonna be trial and error I think until we can find something he's comfortable in! So far he's not impressed with the selection I came home with today don't think I got the shades of blue and grey quite right 
Mrs M

Summer Holidays Diary Day 13- ' planning ahead'

Day 13

Trying to arrange a coffee and catch up with a friend next week and we both need to check our kids timetables and plan it in accordingly!

Made me chuckle today, nothing spontaneous in our houses over the next few weeks
Mrs M xx

Summer Holidays Diary Day 12- 'at the beach'

Day 12

Hubbies off this week so we drove the remotest beach we could think of and had a wet and windy walk along the seafront today!
Love the beach
Mrs M

Summer Holidays Diary Day 11- 'out of his comfort zone'

Day 11

Today we pushed him a little out of his comfort zone and took him to a car park roof top at the airport. It's so hard seeing him so conflicted when he really wants to do something but his anxiety about the new experience puts him off.

We have to time these things well, make sure he had a restful day the day before, ensure he's prepped for what will happen and find the hook that grabs his interest enough to make him want to do it.

He found it hard and struggled to get out of the car but eventually he could see that he was very close to the action and tolerated the other people that were there in order to get a good shot on his camera.

Now we're off to McDonald's to get him some chips and he's sat scrolling through his images one happy little lad.

Mrs M